Older Relatives Gifts

'Well how about rocking 'partly' around the clock then?'

'Why do I have to cover my mouth when I cough?' 'To keep your teeth from flying across the room!'

"Playing blind man's buff and marbles wasn't so bad."

'We wanted to see the world while it's still in focus.'

'No wonder they don't answer...that's our TV remote.'

'We're retired. What do you recommend that doesn't require a lot of chewing?'

Armchair Dancing

"If you can fill these out before you pass away we can move on to stage two of your claim."

"I think your fond remembrances of our youth have a lot to do with selective memory, Henry!"

"Hell! This house is getting too big for us."

'I'm going to love having me in Haiti.'

Preservatives.

'Relax, he just wants directions to cousin Franks's house in Brewster.'

"We worked hard, damn hard- but we knew when to stop. We were not workaholic."

'Relax - we're retired. We don't have any teeth.'

"This bluetooth you say it's got... not catching is it?"

Uncle Mort and Sadie are swingers?! Of a sort. So they get together with other couples, and then swap partners and then

"You ain't wearin' a brassiere." "How could you tell?" "Cuz the wrinkles are all stretched out of yer face."

"And for you older folks, the current time is 'nowadays.'"

If you bathe a skunk in tomato juice, it will smell like a dog. A bird in the hand is better than two in your shorts. Never wear aqua after Thanksgiving. Unconventional wisdom.

"I can't protect you from everything, but I can read you stories that make you believe I can protect you from everything."

Seniors Snooker Tournament.

"I've just been offered a job sorting out the Y1K bug.."

Do you mind if we stop calling this a "starter house" now?

"Oh indeed I did: I went feral for a year when I was young. It taught me a lot about the world, but about myself too..."

'Dewey! Grandpa's stuck again. Give him a couple of whacks upside the head.'

'No hair or teeth, can't walk or talk -- he's kind of a starter kit.'

Retirement homes' 'pill fight'.

"Have you heard? There's talk about raising the retirement age to 170?"

"Remember back in the day when I was a real heartbreaker?" "Riiight... now the only thing you break is wind."

"No more diapers. Simply lift the lid and go here."

Two Men Discuss Ministers.

"Your brow is definitely more furrowed than it used to be!"

"Did you remember my mints?"

"He should be up and complaining in no time."