Older Family Member Gifts

"I really love grandma and all, but she stinks of vape."

If you bathe a skunk in tomato juice, it will smell like a dog. A bird in the hand is better than two in your shorts. Never wear aqua after Thanksgiving. Unconventional wisdom.

"I can't protect you from everything, but I can read you stories that make you believe I can protect you from everything."

Seniors Snooker Tournament.

"I've just been offered a job sorting out the Y1K bug.."

Do you mind if we stop calling this a "starter house" now?

"Oh indeed I did: I went feral for a year when I was young. It taught me a lot about the world, but about myself too..."

'No hair or teeth, can't walk or talk -- he's kind of a starter kit.'

'Dewey! Grandpa's stuck again. Give him a couple of whacks upside the head.'

Retirement homes' 'pill fight'.

"Have you heard? There's talk about raising the retirement age to 170?"

"Remember back in the day when I was a real heartbreaker?" "Riiight... now the only thing you break is wind."

"Your brow is definitely more furrowed than it used to be!"

"No more diapers. Simply lift the lid and go here."

"Did you remember my mints?"

"He should be up and complaining in no time."

'Nothin' beats a wild block party.'

Saguaro Cactus Regrets.

Speed Dating.

"You're crappin' in the closet again, Claude."

'Oh, nothing, just babysitting the Lord of the Rings.'

"It's hard being a grownup, too – did you know we have absolutely zero limits on treats?"

"I can't stay in this hospital bed too long. Everyone will think I'm too old...too fragile...ready for the home. I'm not ready for that!"

'You seem quieter tonight. Did they give you something to help you relax?'

The Woodstock Medical-Emergency Tent - 1994

'I'll see your diuretic and raise you three anti-depressants.'

"At a certain point, I bring them back."

The older I get, the more introspective I get, or is that retrospective?'

'Don't believe everything you read in the papers!' (Vicar to lady reading the war cry).

"You used to be a lot more fun."

"I've outlived my conventional and alternative doctors."

"Sitting on a beanbag doesn't take me back to the seventies- it just makes me wonder how I'm ever going to get up again."

Patey's in a band! He's so cool!

"I often consult with a higher authority... my grandmother."

'She knew we'd try to talk her-out of it.'