Elderly Family Members Gifts

"On the bright side, dear, you still rock...just in a different way!"

"It's a very senior moment—he's dead."

If you bathe a skunk in tomato juice, it will smell like a dog. A bird in the hand is better than two in your shorts. Never wear aqua after Thanksgiving. Unconventional wisdom.

Do you mind if we stop calling this a "starter house" now?

'Dewey! Grandpa's stuck again. Give him a couple of whacks upside the head.'

"Oh indeed I did: I went feral for a year when I was young. It taught me a lot about the world, but about myself too..."

Retirement homes' 'pill fight'.

"Remember back in the day when I was a real heartbreaker?" "Riiight... now the only thing you break is wind."

Every so often, Madeline gets carried away.

"Did you remember my mints?"

"He should be up and complaining in no time."

"My service animal for Alzheimer's, sonny!"

"Careful."

Which vaccines did they have when you were young? You cannot get under my skin, loser. Were you vaccinated against the black plague? Not bothering me. Were you vaccinated against leprosy? I am unaffected by you. Were you vaccinated against the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs? Munch mun - When's the last time someone shoved a syrupy pancake down your pants?

Speed Dating.

"You're crappin' in the closet again, Claude."

"I can't stay in this hospital bed too long. Everyone will think I'm too old...too fragile...ready for the home. I'm not ready for that!"

"Hey. Whatever happened to our sexual relations? "

'You seem quieter tonight. Did they give you something to help you relax?'

'I'll see your diuretic and raise you three anti-depressants.'

"At a certain point, I bring them back."

'Don't believe everything you read in the papers!' (Vicar to lady reading the war cry).

Grandpa gets more than he bargained for when his lawnmower takes flight as a helicopter would.

'I'm fighting ageing.'

Toothless Meal

"Forget the palm dearie...I'll read yer race."

'She knew we'd try to talk her-out of it.'

"I often consult with a higher authority... my grandmother."

"Do let me know if I'm getting in the way, won't you?"

"My husband Frank still has all his own teeth...he keeps them in that jar over the fireplace!"

"And I got these stretch marks on my butt from sitting in the house for months back in 2020."

"I remembered that time you said you wished you had a biographer."

Dino Snack

"At my age, your legs and bowels begin to go."

"The Lord brings people together for reasons only he knows."