Family Elders Gifts

'Dewey! Grandpa's stuck again. Give him a couple of whacks upside the head.'

If you bathe a skunk in tomato juice, it will smell like a dog. A bird in the hand is better than two in your shorts. Never wear aqua after Thanksgiving. Unconventional wisdom.

Do you mind if we stop calling this a "starter house" now?

"O young, naive one...you must know the golden rule of the kitchen. To avoid the mother of all disrespects...never criticize the cooking of a family elder."

"Oh indeed I did: I went feral for a year when I was young. It taught me a lot about the world, but about myself too..."

Retirement homes' 'pill fight'.

"Remember back in the day when I was a real heartbreaker?" "Riiight... now the only thing you break is wind."

"Did you remember my mints?"

"He should be up and complaining in no time."

Speed Dating.

"Hey. Whatever happened to our sexual relations? "

"You're crappin' in the closet again, Claude."

"I can't stay in this hospital bed too long. Everyone will think I'm too old...too fragile...ready for the home. I'm not ready for that!"

'You seem quieter tonight. Did they give you something to help you relax?'

'I'll see your diuretic and raise you three anti-depressants.'

"At a certain point, I bring them back."

"I often consult with a higher authority... my grandmother."

'She knew we'd try to talk her-out of it.'

Grandpa gets more than he bargained for when his lawnmower takes flight as a helicopter would.

"Forget the palm dearie...I'll read yer race."

"Do let me know if I'm getting in the way, won't you?"

"My husband Frank still has all his own teeth...he keeps them in that jar over the fireplace!"

"At my age, your legs and bowels begin to go."

'You may disagree with me now, Son, but when you're 500 years old, you'll understand.'

Dino Snack

"I remembered that time you said you wished you had a biographer."

"The Lord brings people together for reasons only he knows."

"The nurse thinks she's sneaky, but I know my meds are in the peanut butter."

'I'll see your Social Security Supplement and raise you Medicare and a Canadian pharmacy ID.'

"These are all my financial papers - with the exception of the codes to my secret Swiss bank accounts, of course."

'It could be hours, or it could be weeks. He's determined to hang on until he finally understands the punchline to a joke everybody else got at a cocktail party in 1947!'

"Alexa...order my shopping!"

'There is a fancy name for your condition...Let's just call it 86 and counting.'

"The Doctor says it's very rate for the superannuated to get taller."

'I'm going to love having me in Haiti.'