Elder Relative Gifts

'You seem quieter tonight. Did they give you something to help you relax?'

Low Tide

"Forget the palm dearie...I'll read yer race."

"I can't protect you from everything, but I can read you stories that make you believe I can protect you from everything."

Seniors Snooker Tournament.

"I've just been offered a job sorting out the Y1K bug.."

How Nature Senses a Change in the Weather

"I think I've reached that age when I don't remember if I've forgotten something."

'I'm ninety-two! Tell me what I'm doing wrong... I dare you!"

'There's old Jim off to the shops. Slowed down a lot these days, ain't he.'

"Oh indeed I did: I went feral for a year when I was young. It taught me a lot about the world, but about myself too..."

'Dewey! Grandpa's stuck again. Give him a couple of whacks upside the head.'

'No hair or teeth, can't walk or talk -- he's kind of a starter kit.'

"Have you heard? There's talk about raising the retirement age to 170?"

"I used to drink to forget. Now, age-related, short-term memory loss takes care of that for me."

"Remember back in the day when I was a real heartbreaker?" "Riiight... now the only thing you break is wind."

"Either we spend millions on new technology to erase each agent's memory following a sensitive assignment, or we just start hiring people over fifty."

"Oh, please. Lord, no ... I'm only 50! No, please – anything but reading glasses!"

'Check out the old dude.'

"Your brow is definitely more furrowed than it used to be!"

"He should be up and complaining in no time."

'I'm old enough to remember when smiley faces were right side up.'

'They don't make cars like they used to.'

"You're crappin' in the closet again, Claude."

"No more swinging from tree to tree! Now I take the bus and I even get a senior discount!"

The fate that awaits us all: creeping Rooneyism

"It's hard being a grownup, too – did you know we have absolutely zero limits on treats?"

'Oh, nothing, just babysitting the Lord of the Rings.'

"I can't stay in this hospital bed too long. Everyone will think I'm too old...too fragile...ready for the home. I'm not ready for that!"

Saguaro Cactus Regrets.

Speed Dating.

'I'll see your diuretic and raise you three anti-depressants.'

The older I get, the more introspective I get, or is that retrospective?'

"At a certain point, I bring them back."