Elder Relative Gifts

'You seem quieter tonight. Did they give you something to help you relax?'

Low Tide

"You like? It's an old-fashioned candy necklace made of tums!"

Rudy, may I have a word with you? Bite me, old coot. I beg your pardon. You can talk to me that way when you've fought a world war, survived a depression and figured out directions to someone's house without help form your mephone!!! iPhone! Potato!! Tomato!! An auspicious start to the peace process.

"Forget the palm dearie...I'll read yer race."

If you bathe a skunk in tomato juice, it will smell like a dog. A bird in the hand is better than two in your shorts. Never wear aqua after Thanksgiving. Unconventional wisdom.

"I can't protect you from everything, but I can read you stories that make you believe I can protect you from everything."

Seniors Snooker Tournament.

"I've just been offered a job sorting out the Y1K bug.."

Do you mind if we stop calling this a "starter house" now?

How Nature Senses a Change in the Weather

"I think I've reached that age when I don't remember if I've forgotten something."

'I'm ninety-two! Tell me what I'm doing wrong... I dare you!"

'Dewey! Grandpa's stuck again. Give him a couple of whacks upside the head.'

"Oh indeed I did: I went feral for a year when I was young. It taught me a lot about the world, but about myself too..."

'There's old Jim off to the shops. Slowed down a lot these days, ain't he.'

'No hair or teeth, can't walk or talk -- he's kind of a starter kit.'

Retirement homes' 'pill fight'.

"Have you heard? There's talk about raising the retirement age to 170?"

"I used to drink to forget. Now, age-related, short-term memory loss takes care of that for me."

"Remember back in the day when I was a real heartbreaker?" "Riiight... now the only thing you break is wind."

"Either we spend millions on new technology to erase each agent's memory following a sensitive assignment, or we just start hiring people over fifty."

"Oh, please. Lord, no ... I'm only 50! No, please – anything but reading glasses!"

'Check out the old dude.'

"Your brow is definitely more furrowed than it used to be!"

"Did you remember my mints?"

"He should be up and complaining in no time."

'I'm old enough to remember when smiley faces were right side up.'

Saguaro Cactus Regrets.

"It's hard being a grownup, too – did you know we have absolutely zero limits on treats?"

"I can't stay in this hospital bed too long. Everyone will think I'm too old...too fragile...ready for the home. I'm not ready for that!"

'Oh, nothing, just babysitting the Lord of the Rings.'

"You're crappin' in the closet again, Claude."

'They don't make cars like they used to.'

The fate that awaits us all: creeping Rooneyism