Older Relative Gifts

Glass/Cans/Geriatrics.

'I'll see your diuretic and raise you three anti-depressants.'

"Forget the future, tell me what happened to the past ten years."

"We're not accusing you of abusing the system, but I understand you've been on Social Security for 150 years."

Speed Dating.

"What's the name of the drug I've been taking to improve my memory?"

Elderly people lose friends to the pandemic

Whack-A-Whippersnapper

"We each get nine random cards and place them like this. Then I deal a card and if it matches one of your cards, you turn it over. When you get three in a row...you tell 'bingo'!"

"You kids want something to eat?"

'Grandpa always puts his hand over his mouth when he sneezes- He'd hate Carol Vordemann to see his teeth fall out!'

'She knew we'd try to talk her-out of it.'

Granny on a racer, "I wish these old maids cycling to communion would keep off the pavement."

The Grim Reaper's Robe

Old woman on a stair lift to Heaven

'I never knew there was a green crayon font.'

'I never watch educational television. I guess I'm old fashioned. If I want to learn something, I listen to the radio.'

"Electricity isn't as good as it used to be"

"Who called who never calls" "What's in the freezer? It's half a loaf of rye bread" "Fun quiz! When are you getting married? Page 12." "Top ten pieces of furniture to wrap in plastic"

"I imagine at your age, you attend a lot of funerals, Sadie."

"Your funeral program. Y'know . . . for whenever."

"They don't transform into anything, they just get older and more conservative."

"Rouse yourself, Weintraub! The miniskirt is back!"

If you bathe a skunk in tomato juice, it will smell like a dog. A bird in the hand is better than two in your shorts. Never wear aqua after Thanksgiving. Unconventional wisdom.

"I can't protect you from everything, but I can read you stories that make you believe I can protect you from everything."

Seniors Snooker Tournament.

"I've just been offered a job sorting out the Y1K bug.."

Do you mind if we stop calling this a "starter house" now?

"I think I've reached that age when I don't remember if I've forgotten something."

'I'm ninety-two! Tell me what I'm doing wrong... I dare you!"

'No hair or teeth, can't walk or talk -- he's kind of a starter kit.'

'Dewey! Grandpa's stuck again. Give him a couple of whacks upside the head.'

"Oh indeed I did: I went feral for a year when I was young. It taught me a lot about the world, but about myself too..."

"I never thought turning eighty would be so much fun!"

Retirement homes' 'pill fight'.