Aging Relative Gifts

'Do I remember pre-decimal coinage? I remember pre-tudor coinage!'

If you bathe a skunk in tomato juice, it will smell like a dog. A bird in the hand is better than two in your shorts. Never wear aqua after Thanksgiving. Unconventional wisdom.

"I can't protect you from everything, but I can read you stories that make you believe I can protect you from everything."

"Don't be embarrassed. Most heroic archetypes your age have lost the ability to swashbuckle."

"Ooh, I must sit down - I'm dead on my feet!"

Seniors Snooker Tournament.

"I've just been offered a job sorting out the Y1K bug.."

"Your contents have shifted."

Do you mind if we stop calling this a "starter house" now?

"Gimme a large cheeseburger, regular fries and a diet root beer!"

Pinocchio's Second Realization

'There's old Jim off to the shops. Slowed down a lot these days, ain't he.'

They try, but those crows can't make noises they used to. The lost caws!

'No hair or teeth, can't walk or talk -- he's kind of a starter kit.'

"Oh indeed I did: I went feral for a year when I was young. It taught me a lot about the world, but about myself too..."

"Why bother?"

"The answer to bone loss is to bury them deeper.'

Retirement homes' 'pill fight'.

'I've been called some mean things as a baby boomer, but 'Pig in the Python' really hurts.'

"Have you heard? There's talk about raising the retirement age to 170?"

Gary turns 40.

'Change is inevitable, espeically when you have a newborn in diapers."

Our farmer brought fresh beans, tomatoes, corn and squash this week. Nice. You should have bought into the farm share. I've got my own farmer. Mine's cheap. Mine's cheaper. Thanks, mom. You can't take more zucchini?

"Remember back in the day when I was a real heartbreaker?" "Riiight... now the only thing you break is wind."

Inside One's Memory Bank

'What you seem to be suffering from is longevity.'

'Almost everything I have hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work!'

"The doctor thinks I need a hearing something or other."

'I must be reaching that age! I can't get my ozone layer up anymore!'

Treat Dispensers for the Middle-Aged

Two Men Discuss Ministers.

"I really have to exercise more. I went from yelling 'Fore' in my 20's, to yelling 'Wow' in my 30's, to yelling 'Ow' in my 50's."

"I don't know who you are!"

"Your brow is definitely more furrowed than it used to be!"

How Rings In Nature Indicate Aging.