Aging Gifts

A middle aged man tries to stop time from slipping down an hourglass.

"Nonsense, Mother. You'll probably outlive us all."

An old woman measuring the decreasing height of an old man using a height chart

'Good memory. Now turn around and let's try it again. I've put the chart on the opposite wall since your last visit.'

"Seventy-five isn't the new anything."

'Congratulations! You've gone from a care-free baby-boomer, to a care-needy elderly person in record time!'

Kidneys / Adultneys

'Push'n 50, but ya still got it!!'

'As I get older I'm scared of losing my memory.'

I remember the face but I've forgotten your name.

'Smoking or nonsmoking? Hormone therapy or nonhormone therapy section?'

Inside One's Memory Bank

"The answer to bone loss is to bury them deeper.'

'I've got so many aches and pains that a new one would have to wait a week before I could feel it.'

Old dog with zimmer frame.

"See, the problem with doing things to prolong your life is that all the extra years come at the end, when you're old."

'Okay, we grew old together - Now what?'

'75% of our resources are taken up dealing with the aged and infirm...and that's just the staff!'

'I wish I had more hair.' 'Don't be a silly billy. You've got plenty of hair. Here's your bald, I mean your boiled, egg.'

"No, I don't want to live forever, but I damn sure don't want to be dead forever, either."

'What you seem to be suffering from is longevity.'

Baby Boomers will be 100 before they think they're 50.

'Almost everything I have hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work!'

"Can Eddie come out and throw his goddam back out?"

'Do you remember when I was your trophy wife and you were a stud?'

'I've reached that age where I've given up on Mind Over Matter and am concentrating on Mind Over Bladder.'

Darling, I wish you'd stop the self defense classes, now you've got Alzheimer's.

'...and to think, forty years ago I gave up smoking and drinking for this.'

"All of a sudden, everyone seems younger than I am."

'I can't get the childproof cap off.'

Pants...Before & After

Damn, I've forgotten why I came in here.

Class Reunion.

Doctor to Banana: 'Looks like you're going to a ripe old age.'

"Somehow, in all the confusion, I aged."