Turning Older Gifts

"Happy birthday. In your honor we're offering a two-for-one special."

"Don't be embarrassed. Most heroic archetypes your age have lost the ability to swashbuckle."

Seniors Snooker Tournament.

"Ooh, I must sit down - I'm dead on my feet!"

"Your contents have shifted."

"Gimme a large cheeseburger, regular fries and a diet root beer!"

They try, but those crows can't make noises they used to. The lost caws!

'Well, Tommy, you've grown a foot since the last time I saw you!'

'There's old Jim off to the shops. Slowed down a lot these days, ain't he.'

"Why bother?"

Pinocchio's Second Realization

"I never thought turning eighty would be so much fun!"

"The answer to bone loss is to bury them deeper.'

'I've been called some mean things as a baby boomer, but 'Pig in the Python' really hurts.'

'Sure, go ahead! Evolve! It's all the rage, I know! Have fun! I'll just sit here in this murky, primordial soup with nothing but plankton for company. Why should you stay here with your mother? The one who raised you, fed you...'

"Have you heard? There's talk about raising the retirement age to 170?"

'I'm just not as ambidextrous as I used to be.'

Gary turns 40.

"Happy birthday, dear. You still have that sparkle in your eyes!" "That sparkle burned out years ago. These are cataracts."

Inside One's Memory Bank

'What you seem to be suffering from is longevity.'

'Almost everything I have hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work!'

"The doctor thinks I need a hearing something or other."

'I must be reaching that age! I can't get my ozone layer up anymore!'

"I really have to exercise more. I went from yelling 'Fore' in my 20's, to yelling 'Wow' in my 30's, to yelling 'Ow' in my 50's."

How Rings In Nature Indicate Aging.

"When I was a child, I drank like a child, but when I became a man I put away childish drinks."

'I'm not in shock, my eyebrows are just receding with my hairline.'

'Man...You age great!'

"No, son, you’re not ‘M for Mature.’"

"Oh, please. Lord, no ... I'm only 50! No, please – anything but reading glasses!"

'I'm into New Age. My new age is 26.'

"I don't know who you are!"

Treat Dispensers for the Middle-Aged

"No, I don't want to live forever, but I damn sure don't want to be dead forever, either."