Turning Older T-Shirts

"Happy birthday. In your honor we're offering a two-for-one special."

"Don't be embarrassed. Most heroic archetypes your age have lost the ability to swashbuckle."

Seniors Snooker Tournament.

"Ooh, I must sit down - I'm dead on my feet!"

"Your contents have shifted."

"Gimme a large cheeseburger, regular fries and a diet root beer!"

Pinocchio's Second Realization

'Well, Tommy, you've grown a foot since the last time I saw you!'

'There's old Jim off to the shops. Slowed down a lot these days, ain't he.'

"Why bother?"

"I never thought turning eighty would be so much fun!"

"The answer to bone loss is to bury them deeper.'

'I've been called some mean things as a baby boomer, but 'Pig in the Python' really hurts.'

'I'm just not as ambidextrous as I used to be.'

"Have you heard? There's talk about raising the retirement age to 170?"

"Happy birthday, dear. You still have that sparkle in your eyes!" "That sparkle burned out years ago. These are cataracts."

Gary turns 40.

Inside One's Memory Bank

'What you seem to be suffering from is longevity.'

'Almost everything I have hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work!'

"The doctor thinks I need a hearing something or other."

'I must be reaching that age! I can't get my ozone layer up anymore!'

"No, son, you’re not ‘M for Mature.’"

"When I was a child, I drank like a child, but when I became a man I put away childish drinks."

Treat Dispensers for the Middle-Aged

"I really have to exercise more. I went from yelling 'Fore' in my 20's, to yelling 'Wow' in my 30's, to yelling 'Ow' in my 50's."

"Oh, please. Lord, no ... I'm only 50! No, please – anything but reading glasses!"

"I don't know who you are!"

'I'm into New Age. My new age is 26.'

'I'm not in shock, my eyebrows are just receding with my hairline.'

'Man...You age great!'

"No, I don't want to live forever, but I damn sure don't want to be dead forever, either."

"My doctor said I'm not getting any younger. I'd like a second opinion."