Ageing Gifts

'You have the body of a 22 year old man, providing your birthday is February 29th.'

"This will lighten your mood, Dick - every few minutes, a baby boomer turns fifty."

'The worst part about menopause was having to ask my husband's advice on blade vs electric shaver.'

"Your mother and I think it's time you got a place of your own. We'd like a little time alone before we die."

"Whenever someone tells me 'You Go Girl' I usually have to."

"You kept me awake all night, grinding your gums."

'Dave's really over-reacting about turning forty.'

Don't have a hot flush....

'Have you ever noticed that as you get older, you body starts producing more of those 'I don't give a darn' hormones.'

"I thought you must of been drunk last night, when you told everyone your real age."

"Working with the elderly requires significant capital investment....ramps, high raise chairs, alarms."

'Life is too long not to worry.'

'Webster, is it just me, or do our new employees seem to be younger every year,'

'Er...have I just been or am I just going?'

'Even though I'm in my fifties I feel I'm in the prime of life.'

'Mum, you just HAVE to stop lying about your age, otherwise everyone will think that you are younger than me!'

"I remember when I got that tattoo. It was originally on my thigh."

"What do you mean, 'I'm in good shape for a man of forty'? I'm only twenty-six!"

"You say you've discovered something that can make a man look 10 years younger?"

"Still scaring kids? Are you kidding? At my age I'm lucky if I can crawl out from under the bed."

For a minimalist, it's not uncommon for a mid-life crisis to be mistaken for Peter Pan Syndrome...

"A little birdie told me you turned seventy today."

Old man monitoring his height loss.

Middle aged woman without bra.

'I hear she had her face lifted.'

My philosophy ... If you can't beat 'em, outlive 'em.

"That's just the meds kicking in."

"If they do let anyone go I don't think age will be a consideration. You shouldn't kill yourself trying to look younger than you are."

The Ageing Process

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who has the best facelift of them all?

"I'm liver spot spice."

"Oh god, I'm almost 30. . ."

"I was on hormone replacement for two years before I realized I needed Steve replacement."

"I spent my thirties doing my twenties, but by the time I was in my forties I was doing my forties."

"I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each. I told them to pipe down."