Growing Old Gifts

"I find that, the older you get, the bigger your jewelry has to get."

"To assume Leonard has a bucket list, you have to first assume he actually wants to do anything."

Methuselah and His Royal Candle Blowers

"Don't be embarrassed. Most heroic archetypes your age have lost the ability to swashbuckle."

"Ooh, I must sit down - I'm dead on my feet!"

Seniors Snooker Tournament.

"Your contents have shifted."

"Gimme a large cheeseburger, regular fries and a diet root beer!"

'There's old Jim off to the shops. Slowed down a lot these days, ain't he.'

"Why bother?"

'Well, Tommy, you've grown a foot since the last time I saw you!'

Pinocchio's Second Realization

"I never thought turning eighty would be so much fun!"

"The answer to bone loss is to bury them deeper.'

'I've been called some mean things as a baby boomer, but 'Pig in the Python' really hurts.'

"Have you heard? There's talk about raising the retirement age to 170?"

'I'm just not as ambidextrous as I used to be.'

Gary turns 40.

"Happy birthday, dear. You still have that sparkle in your eyes!" "That sparkle burned out years ago. These are cataracts."

Inside One's Memory Bank

'What you seem to be suffering from is longevity.'

'Almost everything I have hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work!'

"The doctor thinks I need a hearing something or other."

'I must be reaching that age! I can't get my ozone layer up anymore!'

'You know they've reached puberty when they're more interested in Dr. Ruth than Babe Ruth.'

"No, son, you’re not ‘M for Mature.’"

"When I was a child, I drank like a child, but when I became a man I put away childish drinks."

"Your momma lied to you, boy."

Treat Dispensers for the Middle-Aged

"I really have to exercise more. I went from yelling 'Fore' in my 20's, to yelling 'Wow' in my 30's, to yelling 'Ow' in my 50's."

"Oh, please. Lord, no ... I'm only 50! No, please – anything but reading glasses!"

"I don't know who you are!"

'I'm into New Age. My new age is 26.'

'I'm not in shock, my eyebrows are just receding with my hairline.'

"Mom, please! I'm a married woman whose friends have been reviewed favourably by the New York Times."