Senior Relatives Gifts

'Shady Acres Nursing Home - Stockbroker on duty in case social security is privatized.'

Tripping the light... "Fantastic!"

If you bathe a skunk in tomato juice, it will smell like a dog. A bird in the hand is better than two in your shorts. Never wear aqua after Thanksgiving. Unconventional wisdom.

Do you mind if we stop calling this a "starter house" now?

"Oh indeed I did: I went feral for a year when I was young. It taught me a lot about the world, but about myself too..."

'Dewey! Grandpa's stuck again. Give him a couple of whacks upside the head.'

Retirement homes' 'pill fight'.

"She fell down stairs again, so this is her third hip."

"Remember back in the day when I was a real heartbreaker?" "Riiight... now the only thing you break is wind."

'Change is inevitable, espeically when you have a newborn in diapers."

"No more diapers. Simply lift the lid and go here."

Children's Party

Any idea how long your family might be visiting?

"Did you remember my mints?"

"He should be up and complaining in no time."

'It states in his will that if he becomes brain dead he wants to go unplugged.'

"Hey. Whatever happened to our sexual relations? "

"I can't stay in this hospital bed too long. Everyone will think I'm too old...too fragile...ready for the home. I'm not ready for that!"

Speed Dating.

"You're crappin' in the closet again, Claude."

'Nothin' beats a wild block party.'

'You seem quieter tonight. Did they give you something to help you relax?'

The Woodstock Medical-Emergency Tent - 1994

'I'll see your diuretic and raise you three anti-depressants.'

"At a certain point, I bring them back."

Grandpa gets more than he bargained for when his lawnmower takes flight as a helicopter would.

"Forget the palm dearie...I'll read yer race."

'She knew we'd try to talk her-out of it.'

"If you really loved me you wouldn't have called me Euthanasia!"

Lilly was too far from the phone to complain about her new stairlift.

Stockwell's day

"Sitting on a beanbag doesn't take me back to the seventies- it just makes me wonder how I'm ever going to get up again."

Road rage on a mobility scooter.

"I get it! I get it! Elephants never forget. Now quit bragging about it!"

'He's not my Daddy: He's my great great grandfather...'