Retired Relative Pillows

"America's Funniest Colonoscopy Videos."

If you bathe a skunk in tomato juice, it will smell like a dog. A bird in the hand is better than two in your shorts. Never wear aqua after Thanksgiving. Unconventional wisdom.

"You've been so good to us all these years. Is there anything we can do to repay you?"

Do you mind if we stop calling this a "starter house" now?

"Oh indeed I did: I went feral for a year when I was young. It taught me a lot about the world, but about myself too..."

"I used to love power, but now I'm more interested in mileage."

Two old superheroes on a park bench feeding the birds.

"Have you heard? There's talk about raising the retirement age to 170?"

"He was just hanging about in the shed, so I had him repurposed."

"Since being semi-retired everything I do is half-assed."

'Change is inevitable, espeically when you have a newborn in diapers."

'When I was young, I said I'd make it big or know the reason why - Well, I sure know the reason why!'

7 Dwarves of Retirement

Children's Party

'The economy being what it is, we've had to make a few changes in your retirement plan. . .'

"This place is nice, but what would we really do if we lived here? Lie around and be happy all the time?"

"Your brow is definitely more furrowed than it used to be!"

Any idea how long your family might be visiting?

"Did you remember my mints?"

"He should be up and complaining in no time."

'It states in his will that if he becomes brain dead he wants to go unplugged.'

The fate that awaits us all: creeping Rooneyism

'Honey, I'm home - for good.'

Speed Dating.

"I can't stay in this hospital bed too long. Everyone will think I'm too old...too fragile...ready for the home. I'm not ready for that!"

"No more swinging from tree to tree! Now I take the bus and I even get a senior discount!"

"You're crappin' in the closet again, Claude."

'You seem quieter tonight. Did they give you something to help you relax?'

'I'll see your diuretic and raise you three anti-depressants.'

'I'll review your salary next spring.'

Elephants never scared me. I once chased three of them into the river/I was able - before I lost my teeth - to bite a crocodile's tail right off / I'll never forget the time I roared so loud, twenty or maybe thirty monkeys fell right out of the tree.

"At a certain point, I bring them back."

'I want to give my children all the things I never had. Then move in with them.'

"Oh yes, we expect to replace you very soon. After all, the qualifications for the job aren't much."

Best Scapegoat