Resume Master Gifts

'At first it looked like you were over qualified for the job. Then we check your resume and discovered most of it was faked.' - Bob finally catches a break.

'It doesn't contain anything that'll help you find a job.'

"It's a shame, he has masses of experience...."

"We reviewed your application and we'd like to hire it - not you."

'Those references are from my computer. I have an online degree.'

'These are excellent qualifications ... so good that our largest competitor would pay you twice as much.'

'I'm a self-made man!'

"It's a heck of a tale...and well told, but we don't publish resumes."

"He's having a hard time finding work."

'Very impressive educational background...now let's discuss WHO you know.!

"I see by your resume this would be your first time in a symbiotic relationship."

"Yes, we do accept resumes online, but there's more to it than giving me your computer with your resume on it."

"You inhabit the body of someone who has an impressive résumé."

'Alright, throw in your resume and the 'Get A Job' potion will be complete.'

"But what you call a track record I call ancient history."

"Well, your CV certainly contains some very impressive name dropping."

"Everything looks real good...except these long gaps in your work history every winter."

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

'This resume is incredible. Would you be able to lie this well under pressure?'

'... No, you're not on the short list. You're not even on the long list.'

'Next time you want to cheat and use someone else's resume, I suggest you do more than scratch out his name and put yours above it.'

How do you fell about buying your own health insurance?

'Maybe we should have been a bit more specific in the ad...'

"You look a lot better on paper than you do online."

The Joy of Recession

"Your former employer said you demonstrated a remarkable amount of 'get up and go'...especially when you were fired."

Your resume is only 8 words long! You're hired!

"These references are excellent Mr. Canning. But do you have any from someone other than your mother?"

"You've been working out of your parent's basement since 1993?"

"I've applied the Paper Reduction Act to my resume."

"It's a pretty good resume, but I would have like to see more bells and whistles."

'We heat the entire building by burning resumes.'

"Your resume is full of half-truths, sophistry, and thinly veiled lies. You'll be a real asset to this campaign."

'Oh, and if you really want this job, there's one thing you shouldn't mention.'

"When did you say you left school?"