Resume Coach Gifts

"This is an impressive resume, but do you have other experience besides 'barking a lot'?"

"What a well-written resume! I could use someone like you to write our job dismissal letters."

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

'And remember to emphasize we're giving them the opportunity to find a better job.'

Others will fight for you

Business books - Who's Who & Who's Downsized sections.

'Don't think of it as being a yes man, think of it as being an employed man.'

"Fill out an application? Can't I just text it?"

"He's having a hard time finding work."

'Very impressive educational background...now let's discuss WHO you know.!

'I clawed my way to the top and then I clawed my way back to the middle.'

"I hate performance review season."

"I'm sorry, but we're looking for someone who's more likely to be followed than following."

"Hiring someone to replace me and then expecting me to train him just doesn't sit well with me."

'When I was young, I said I'd make it big or know the reason why - Well, I sure know the reason why!'

"Actually, it's more like a mouse race."

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

"So what makes you think you're qualified for this job?"

'Your resume is impressive, but next time try to shorten it from 100 pages to one.'

'Perkins, we're getting rid of some of the dead wood around here.'

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

'Inevitably, I come to work early, leave late and alienate everyone.'

"I have a Bachelor's degree from Columbia, an MBA from Stanford, six years experience, and I'm a hell of a mouser."

JOIN THE BOY SCOUTS HERE!, ''Trustworthy, friendly, loyal, helpful, kind, courteous, brave, thrifty, obedient and cheerful' -- This is going to look GREAT on my resume!'

"Yes, we do accept resumes online, but there's more to it than giving me your computer with your resume on it."

"This your resumé?" "Yes, it's a list of things I hope you never ask me to do."

Chicken Little Inc. Pecking Order.

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

Between Offices

"Today we are going to find out if you can that leap."

"Back when I was your age the only way to get a promotion was kissing butt."

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

"How can you have a meteoric rise to the top in a one-story building?"

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'