Resume Rookie Gifts

"That's great that you're on 8 different social media sites, but how are you at bank reconciliations, accounts payable, and working?"

'I love your playing....especially when you stop!'

"He's having a hard time finding work."

JOIN THE BOY SCOUTS HERE!, ''Trustworthy, friendly, loyal, helpful, kind, courteous, brave, thrifty, obedient and cheerful' -- This is going to look GREAT on my resume!'

"This your resumé?" "Yes, it's a list of things I hope you never ask me to do."

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

"Yes, we do accept resumes online, but there's more to it than giving me your computer with your resume on it."

"Your CV will be sufficient, Mr. Cooper."

'Alright, throw in your resume and the 'Get A Job' potion will be complete.'

"You inhabit the body of someone who has an impressive résumé."

One of the failed candidates for the copyrighters job wants to know 'wat was rong with his applicashun'.

'The grammar's awful and the spelling's atrocious - otherwise it's an impressive CV.'

"It's translated from French, so where it says 'Harvard Business School' it may mean 'jail.'"

"Well, your CV certainly contains some very impressive name dropping."

'I'm working because I've been upgraded. He never upgraded so he's out of work.'

"These are excellent qualifications... so good that our largest competitor would gladly pay you twice as much."

'I like the part of your resume where you didn't ask for a raise for 10 years.'

Opp'y of a Lifetime

'This resume is incredible. Would you be able to lie this well under pressure?'

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

'Any recommendations besides these report cards saying you work well with others?'

Laid off from a dot-com? Ask about our resume-writing software.

How do you fell about buying your own health insurance?

'It says here you can talk trash in five languages.'

'Next time you want to cheat and use someone else's resume, I suggest you do more than scratch out his name and put yours above it.'

'...the job is so much harder when you don't know what you are doing.'

'Retirement Training Program'"Very good, Larry! Just one more step and you'll have the entire aisle blocked!"

"These references are excellent Mr. Canning. But do you have any from someone other than your mother?"

'I have never seen a resume prepared in pastels and oil paint. How long have you been unemployed?'

"Your CV is amazing. The boss would love you. So unfortunately you've been unsuccessful in your application."

"References? Well, I just got six references from the guys in your waiting room."

"You should hire me now, before my skills completely deteriorate."

Resume Consultant. Listing professional development courses you've taken since your last job was fine, but don't put"New & Improved" above your name.

"I didn't get a job at the job fair, but I got a blue ribbon for best resume."

"It's a pretty good resume, but I would have like to see more bells and whistles."