Resume Revolutionary Gifts

'I have never seen a resume prepared in pastels and oil paint. How long have you been unemployed?'

"This resumé has the kind of sizzle we're looking for."

"This your resumé?" "Yes, it's a list of things I hope you never ask me to do."

Your resume begins Once Upon A Time...I like that!

"That's nice, but do you have any references other than your Mom?"

I think you'll appreciate my resume. It's printed on a fridge magnet.

"That's the last time I write my own resume!"

One of the failed candidates for the copyrighters job wants to know 'wat was rong with his applicashun'.

'The grammar's awful and the spelling's atrocious - otherwise it's an impressive CV.'

"It's translated from French, so where it says 'Harvard Business School' it may mean 'jail.'"

"Well, your CV certainly contains some very impressive name dropping."

"Would you like something you're under qualified for, or something you're overqualified for?"

Resume Dumpers

"These are excellent qualifications... so good that our largest competitor would gladly pay you twice as much."

'I like the part of your resume where you didn't ask for a raise for 10 years.'

'I'm working because I've been upgraded. He never upgraded so he's out of work.'

Opp'y of a Lifetime

'Qualifications aside, Mr Thumb, this is the cutest resume I've ever seen.'

'It says here you can talk trash in five languages.'

"I've never seen a resume that's entirely made up of emojis. Let me take a few moments to decode it."

"It says here you can think on your feet. What happens when you sit down?"

Laid off from a dot-com? Ask about our resume-writing software.

"I'm fascinated by your résumé, particularly the advertising supplement."

"Your curriculum vitae is extremely detailed, isn't it? I don't quite know what to make of the fact that your third-grade teacher, Miss Hartley, made you stand in the corner for throwing an eraser although another kid did it."

PERSONNEL, 'Any awards or honors OTHER than being the valedictorian of your remedial class?'

"I think you left something of your resumé... writer of fiction!"

"You say in your resume that you're very meticulous."

"You have excellent academic credentials and a wonderful work history but we try not to profile people."

"References? Well, I just got six references from the guys in your waiting room."

Resume Consultant. Listing professional development courses you've taken since your last job was fine, but don't put"New & Improved" above your name.

NOW HIRING, 'I don't have any formal training for the position, but I've read all the relevant Wikipedia articles.'

'My next song is a little ditty about why I don't have any references,'

"I've got some skills - I'm just not sure they add up to a 'set.'"

'I see that you have a B.A. degree in collating and stapling. Your parents must be very proud.'

One after another