Resume Warrior Gifts

'Thanks for coming in. We'll get back to you as soon as we lower our expectations.'

"You were in here last week for an interview. We don't give do-overs."

"Well, you're both strong candidates with very similar résumés so we've decided to settle the matter through hand to hand combat."

City Dump: Resumes.

"I'd give you a list of references but no one will admit they know me."

"I see you graduated Summa Cum Laude, but then didn't your whole graduating class."

Resume Dumpers

"That's nice, but do you have any references other than your Mom?"

For a good impression, Jack tired to maintain eye contact.

My References

'... And you say that this would be your dream job?... Well, with a CV like this I think you'd better wake up!'

'I looked forward to retirement. Now, thanks to the economy, I'm looking at re-hirement.'

"That's the last time I write my own resume!"

"Are you able to do anything that other people can't?"

'It's a chart of office morale. This is where you went on vacation.'

"I've never said this to a woman before, but here goes: We're not paying you enough."

'Take two tablets the moment you begin to feel indispensable.'

37 years in the same position.

"How's your insomnia?" "Bad, I can't even fall sleep during meetings."

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

Man sees sign as he exits bathroom: 'Employees Often Wash Hands'.

"Where would you see yourself in five years' time?"

Hand Sanitizer Man, beloved superhero of every workplace in the world.

'How many times have I told to seize the day before it seizes you?'

"Now, let's get out there and walk really fast to places we don't want to be."

'Don't worry about the company's pension plan. The way we work you, you'll be lucky to live that long!'

"Hiring someone to replace me and then expecting me to train him just doesn't sit well with me."

'I need to talk to you about the coffee fund.'

'Did you just show your teeth at me Wilson?'

"You are being overly-defensive again, Brenda!"

'Please leave the light on, dear. I'm afraid there might be OSHA inspectors under the bed.' 'Managers at Night.'

'The boss put his picture up to enspire us. But it just isn't having that effect on me.'

'There will be no raises this year since the state now has a lottery.'

'Here's another one that'll make you blow your stack.'

'It's 930am ma'am - time to meet the Board of Detractors.'