Preserve Rookie Gifts

'I thought I'd try making marmalade. Do we have any marmals?'

'I love your playing....especially when you stop!'

"I need to buy a faster fastball."

'Retirement Training Program'"Very good, Larry! Just one more step and you'll have the entire aisle blocked!"

Preserved

'You mean they don't come with an instruction manual?'

'Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs!'

"That's great that you're on 8 different social media sites, but how are you at bank reconciliations, accounts payable, and working?"

'I decided it was time to be more active when my wife started dusting me twice a week.'

Cottage Industry

"So...have you ever kissed a girl before?"

'Yes, this is my first time at speed dating. Is it that obvious?'

"I'll kiss you later. Catch! I meant catch you later!"

'They've got $5 tables everywhere here. Where do you feel the luckiest?'

Investment bible...I'll wait for the video.

"Hey, not bad! You sound like a real couple already!"

"He's quick with the birds and the bees stuff, but then comes the bulls and the bears. . ."

Stop looking at me! Whatcha doing? Practicing my part in the spring play. But it's just a walk-on. Exactly! Some actors just talk the talk. I get to walk the walk.

Homemade Jam.

'Son, you just got your first credit card and you're going on a date. My advice: keep it in your pants.'

"Not only do we not know how to turn it off, we also don't know how to dispose of it when it burns out."

Well, maybe you can find a do-it-yourself Youtube video showing a husband taking the clothes to the laundromat.

'I know I retired just last week, Mr. Hartwell, but could I have my job back? My wife fired me.'

'This is too complicated. I think I'll just hold on to my waste and hope it eventually disintegrates.'

"Baldo, a young man like you might have a lot of questions...about feelings, emotions...not knowing what is right and wrong. Remember, mi'jo...I'm here if you need me."

"I would use less pressure when massaging the baby's abdomen."

"Look lady, try and get it straight. It's tin cans, glass bottles or newspapers!"

"So...how'd you like your first kiss?"

'Which side would you like me to drive on today?'

Retirement Presentation - ...try and get a hobby so you won't be calling back to see us.

'You should know my dad's a referee, He has access to instant replay,'

'I've been retired a month and I already hate the game.'

'When you guys invited me over for a jam session, I just assumed...'

"Remember, Mr. Donham, my door is always open to the 'small investor'..."

Over-priced clumsy exercise equipment.