Master Of Resumes Gifts

'It's a little chilly in here. Throw another batch of resumes we have on file in the fire.'

"Okay, but what about computer skills?"

"It's a heck of a tale...and well told, but we don't publish resumes."

"He's having a hard time finding work."

'Very impressive educational background...now let's discuss WHO you know.!

"I see by your resume this would be your first time in a symbiotic relationship."

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

"This resumé has the kind of sizzle we're looking for."

"But what you call a track record I call ancient history."

"Well, your CV certainly contains some very impressive name dropping."

"Its my letter of resignation. I also turned it into a memoir."

'Qualifications aside, Mr Thumb, this is the cutest resume I've ever seen.'

The Joy of Recession

'Send in the next applicant Ms Jones.'

'... No, you're not on the short list. You're not even on the long list.'

'Maybe we should have been a bit more specific in the ad...'

"You look a lot better on paper than you do online."

"It says here you can think on your feet. What happens when you sit down?"

"I'm fascinated by your résumé, particularly the advertising supplement."

"Your curriculum vitae is extremely detailed, isn't it? I don't quite know what to make of the fact that your third-grade teacher, Miss Hartley, made you stand in the corner for throwing an eraser although another kid did it."

Your resume is only 8 words long! You're hired!

'Oh, and if you really want this job, there's one thing you shouldn't mention.'

"Your resume is full of half-truths, sophistry, and thinly veiled lies. You'll be a real asset to this campaign."

"I think you left something of your resumé... writer of fiction!"

'We heat the entire building by burning resumes.'

"You have excellent academic credentials and a wonderful work history but we try not to profile people."

"You say in your resume that you're very meticulous."

'I see that you have a B.A. degree in collating and stapling. Your parents must be very proud.'

"Sorry, but you're overqualified."

Resume Consultant. I can polish up your resume, but I won't be able to pound all the dents. (Published originally on Janurary 8, 2009.)

'This is a very impressive resume. Did you pad it yourself.'

"There appears to be some discrepancies between your C.V. and your Wikipedia entry."

'Your career is a change management textbook.'

'Your resume certainly includes a lot of UFO abductions....'

'I'm hiring a football equipment manager to add some padding to my résumé.'