Resume Specialist Gifts

'It explodes in the atmosphere, spreading your resume across the earth.'

"There appears to be some discrepancies between your C.V. and your Wikipedia entry."

'And remember to emphasize we're giving them the opportunity to find a better job.'

"So, tell me a little bit more about this house training you mention on your CV."

"He's having a hard time finding work."

"So, I see you have a background in advertising..."

'Very impressive educational background...now let's discuss WHO you know.!

"I see by your resume this would be your first time in a symbiotic relationship."

'Your resume is impressive, but next time try to shorten it from 100 pages to one.'

JOIN THE BOY SCOUTS HERE!, ''Trustworthy, friendly, loyal, helpful, kind, courteous, brave, thrifty, obedient and cheerful' -- This is going to look GREAT on my resume!'

"Yes, we do accept resumes online, but there's more to it than giving me your computer with your resume on it."

"This resumé has the kind of sizzle we're looking for."

'I don't understand. You've wasted the whole interview going on and on about what you know... I think you'd better start telling me who you know.'

"I see by your resume that you're having trouble finding work because you pad your resume."

"You inhabit the body of someone who has an impressive résumé."

'Alright, throw in your resume and the 'Get A Job' potion will be complete.'

Job Interview Gone Bad.

Fruit Fly Job Interviews

"We were looking for somebody with experience in mumbo-jumbo but your resume is mainly about gobbledegook."

"If I had known this was such a great place to work I would have lied more on my resume."

"Very impressive resume, however you didn't explain why you were tagged and released from your last job."

Tweaking the CV.

'I like the part of your resume where you didn't ask for a raise for 10 years.'

Your resume says you were a waiter...

'I didn't have time to prepare a resume.'

"I'll have to get someone younger to look at your résumé. I'm not fluent in emoji."

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

'This resume is incredible. Would you be able to lie this well under pressure?'

'Have you got a resume?'

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

How do you fell about buying your own health insurance?

The Joy of Recession

'Next time you want to cheat and use someone else's resume, I suggest you do more than scratch out his name and put yours above it.'

'Maybe we should have been a bit more specific in the ad...'

'We're looking for someone who's very responsible. In fact, we're looking for someone who's always responsible.'