Relationship Status Philosopher Pillows

"That whole internet dating thing....It killed me, I tell ya."

"Agamemnon and Clytemnestra have decided to separate amicably."

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

'Oh, Arthur...You sweet, blind, mad, dear, silly fool....Don't you see it could never last?'

"And do you, Deborah Tannen, think they know what they're talking about?"

"Perhaps later on we can go back to my psychiatrist's office for some couples therapy?"

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

"I feel we haven't moved beyond parallel play."

"You owe me five bucks."

"...until death do you a favor."

"Darling, I think we need to talk about where this relationship is going..." Male evolution.

'Life is all attitude: 45 seconds of enjoying it...45,000 hours of regretting it...'

"Remember back in the day when I was a real heartbreaker?" "Riiight... now the only thing you break is wind."

"My monthly screen time went up from 62 hours to ‘Holy #@!*’."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

'That was close...hit me right in the wallet.'

'When he said it would be 'me and him against the world' I had no idea everyone was already mad at him.'

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

"The whole time we were dating, he kept saying, 'You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man!"

"I want to be straight with you, Cathy—I've gone through a number of cars in my life."

Women in bed with her husband reads a book titled 'Sex Stinks'.

'Scratch 3 and 5. 3's had a fight and 5's just going to live together instead.'

"Do you want to suddenly decide we need a waffle maker?"

"Harold, you've changed."

"Oh no. Is that my ex?"

"Tom, I’d like you to meet Chris. Chris is better than you."

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

"Yeah. But he's a handful."

'Well I wouldn't have to fake orgasms if you didn't fake foreplay!'

'I don't like Gerald as a person, but I like him as a concept.'

"I've learned something about you tonight, Alan. You say 'chowmein' when you mean 'lomein'."

"What happened to the thin crust guy I married?"

"Do we go out or do we stay home and open a can of worms?"

A cartoonist at the doctor, in yoga, at home and in therapy

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"