Relationship Status Philosopher Gifts

"That whole internet dating thing....It killed me, I tell ya."

"Agamemnon and Clytemnestra have decided to separate amicably."

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

'Oh, Arthur...You sweet, blind, mad, dear, silly fool....Don't you see it could never last?'

"You owe me five bucks."

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

"Perhaps later on we can go back to my psychiatrist's office for some couples therapy?"

"I feel we haven't moved beyond parallel play."

"...until death do you a favor."

"Darling, I think we need to talk about where this relationship is going..." Male evolution.

"My monthly screen time went up from 62 hours to ‘Holy #@!*’."

"Remember back in the day when I was a real heartbreaker?" "Riiight... now the only thing you break is wind."

'Life is all attitude: 45 seconds of enjoying it...45,000 hours of regretting it...'

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

'That was close...hit me right in the wallet.'

"I want to be straight with you, Cathy—I've gone through a number of cars in my life."

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

"Tom, I’d like you to meet Chris. Chris is better than you."

'When he said it would be 'me and him against the world' I had no idea everyone was already mad at him.'

'Scratch 3 and 5. 3's had a fight and 5's just going to live together instead.'

Women in bed with her husband reads a book titled 'Sex Stinks'.

"Yeah. But he's a handful."

"Oh no. Is that my ex?"

"Harold, you've changed."

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

"Do you want to suddenly decide we need a waffle maker?"

'Well I wouldn't have to fake orgasms if you didn't fake foreplay!'

'I don't like Gerald as a person, but I like him as a concept.'

"I've learned something about you tonight, Alan. You say 'chowmein' when you mean 'lomein'."

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

"Believe me when I tell you that I'm not that honest."

"Do we go out or do we stay home and open a can of worms?"

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."