Relationship Realism Gifts

"I had it all... money, a big house, fancy car, the love of a beautiful woman... and then POW! ... my wife found out!"

"Agamemnon and Clytemnestra have decided to separate amicably."

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

'Oh, Arthur...You sweet, blind, mad, dear, silly fool....Don't you see it could never last?'

"I can't decide if we're good people who are bad at communicating, or monsters who communicate perfectly."

"And do you, Deborah Tannen, think they know what they're talking about?"

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

"I feel we haven't moved beyond parallel play."

"You owe me five bucks."

"Perhaps later on we can go back to my psychiatrist's office for some couples therapy?"

"...until death do you a favor."

"Darling, I think we need to talk about where this relationship is going..." Male evolution.

'Life is all attitude: 45 seconds of enjoying it...45,000 hours of regretting it...'

"Remember back in the day when I was a real heartbreaker?" "Riiight... now the only thing you break is wind."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

'That was close...hit me right in the wallet.'

Sexual chemistry set

'Scratch 3 and 5. 3's had a fight and 5's just going to live together instead.'

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

"Oh no. Is that my ex?"

'When he said it would be 'me and him against the world' I had no idea everyone was already mad at him.'

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

Women in bed with her husband reads a book titled 'Sex Stinks'.

"I want to be straight with you, Cathy—I've gone through a number of cars in my life."

"Harold, you've changed."

"Tom, I’d like you to meet Chris. Chris is better than you."

The Map of the Human Heart

'I don't like Gerald as a person, but I like him as a concept.'

"Believe me when I tell you that I'm not that honest."

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

'After sex he checks his cell phone messages.'

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

"What happened to the thin crust guy I married?"

"I want to get married and start a family with you—although God knows who I'll want to finish it with."

A cartoonist at the doctor, in yoga, at home and in therapy