Relationship Realism Gifts

"I had it all... money, a big house, fancy car, the love of a beautiful woman... and then POW! ... my wife found out!"

"Agamemnon and Clytemnestra have decided to separate amicably."

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

'Oh, Arthur...You sweet, blind, mad, dear, silly fool....Don't you see it could never last?'

"I can't decide if we're good people who are bad at communicating, or monsters who communicate perfectly."

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

"I feel we haven't moved beyond parallel play."

"You owe me five bucks."

"Perhaps later on we can go back to my psychiatrist's office for some couples therapy?"

'Life is all attitude: 45 seconds of enjoying it...45,000 hours of regretting it...'

"...until death do you a favor."

"Remember back in the day when I was a real heartbreaker?" "Riiight... now the only thing you break is wind."

"Darling, I think we need to talk about where this relationship is going..." Male evolution.

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

'That was close...hit me right in the wallet.'

Sexual chemistry set

Women in bed with her husband reads a book titled 'Sex Stinks'.

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

'When he said it would be 'me and him against the world' I had no idea everyone was already mad at him.'

"Tom, I’d like you to meet Chris. Chris is better than you."

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

"I want to be straight with you, Cathy—I've gone through a number of cars in my life."

"Harold, you've changed."

'Scratch 3 and 5. 3's had a fight and 5's just going to live together instead.'

"Oh no. Is that my ex?"

The Map of the Human Heart

'I don't like Gerald as a person, but I like him as a concept.'

"I want to get married and start a family with you—although God knows who I'll want to finish it with."

'After sex he checks his cell phone messages.'

'He said he wasn't good enough for me, so I married him because he's the first man to realize that.'

"What happened to the thin crust guy I married?"

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

A cartoonist at the doctor, in yoga, at home and in therapy

"Believe me when I tell you that I'm not that honest."

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."