Relational Realist Gifts

"Quit asking if I'm O.K. If I'm ever O.K., I'll let you know."

"The good news is you’re the only one we’re not firing ... the bad news is you’re the only one to run the department."

Fear/Knowledge

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"You owe me five bucks."

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

"I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy." "Which part do you miss most?" "Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what TV shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission?" "Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors."

"She can walk the walk, but can she talk the talk?"

"Perhaps later on we can go back to my psychiatrist's office for some couples therapy?"

"We'll always have Paris..."

"No, I really DO love you. It's just that my committee has some issues."

'Life is all attitude: 45 seconds of enjoying it...45,000 hours of regretting it...'

Tunnel of Love/Tunnel of Marriage

"...until death do you a favor."

"Remember back in the day when I was a real heartbreaker?" "Riiight... now the only thing you break is wind."

'All I want for Valentine's Day is a Greek fisherman's cap.'

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"You're calling it love, but it's really just static electricity."

'That was close...hit me right in the wallet.'

"Oh no. Is that my ex?"

Women in bed with her husband reads a book titled 'Sex Stinks'.

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

Marriage least expected to last...

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

"Tom, I’d like you to meet Chris. Chris is better than you."

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

'Scratch 3 and 5. 3's had a fight and 5's just going to live together instead.'

"I want to be straight with you, Cathy—I've gone through a number of cars in my life."

"And there was I thinking you'd been Beta tested."

'I'd like your permission to enter into pre-nuptial negotiations...'

A Zircon Is Forever

"What's this for poorer stuff?"

'Well I wouldn't have to fake orgasms if you didn't fake foreplay!'