Realist Philosopher Gifts

'No fortune cookies please - I don't want to get my hopes up.'

"It's better if we don't get our hopes up."

"Son, a living isn't something you make. It's something you endure."

"Could you go back to the front desk? The receptionist has some forms for you to fill out."

Pinocchio's Second Realization

Road Forks in the Road: No Way and Yes Way.

'Half an optimist is an odd bird, Sarah.'

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

Plan 'A', Plan 'B' - "I say we should go with plan 'A', sir."

'I'm not worried about losing my job. I'm worried about keeping it.'

Tired Barbie

"It's a Wonderful Life" if it was written by scientists.

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"Being vegan or vegetarian isn't enough anymore. From now on I will only cook stuff I stepped in on the sidewalk."

"You will bargain away what little integrity you have left for what little job security you can gain."

"You can't offend me. I never mix religion or politics with reality."

New from Low-Key Press.

City Bar and Grill - "Stop worrying, youth and enthusiasm can't compete with experience and treachery."

'Now stay tuned for 'Hope - Myth or Reality', to be followed by 'Reality - Hope or Myth'.'

Have you considered a career in travel brochures?

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

Woman talking romantically whilst man talks about measuring the scullery.

"Could you spare some change for a guy fresh off welfare?"

"Have you ever given any thought to what you're going to do after all your hopes and dreams are crushed?"

"The company only made a profit of $2 billion. So that raise you requested will have to wait."

Inbox and Outbox

"I can be perfect for only one hour a day."

"I see fleeting moments of happiness in between extended periods of boredom and stress."

"Oh well - same shit, different day. . .!"

Warning Being Alive On This Planet May Cause Cancer

'Because I CAN'T follow my dreams, dummy!'

'I feel better today too, but around here I've learned not to be too optimistic.'

"Where do you see yourself in five years?"

"Could be worse..." "Could be worse..." "Could be worse..." "Could be... oh, never mind."

'That's the sign of a good painting!'