Relationship Status Analyst Pillows

"Look, I know Estella has a boyfriend. I would never try to break them up. But it's not illegal to text friends...and we're still friends..."

"If i were to kiss you then there is a 17% probability that we might get married and that has a 24% likelihood that we'd have children with a 34% change of divorce...I'm not sure I can risk it."

"I'm more of a 'How Jen stays thin' person than a 'Why Jen won't let Brad alone' person."

'The bad news is you're going to marry a geek, and not a pro athlete. The good news is the geek owns the team.'

"Even though I wasn't always perfect, I feel deep down that I am now."

"And there was I thinking you'd been Beta tested."

"I may be obsessive and I may be compulsive, but no way am I obsessive compulsive."

"Men can keep a secret, but it takes a woman to tell them that it was supposed to be a secret!"

Awkward First Dates

'Don't worry, Alice. I won't leave you.'

"I'll probably die an old woman before I get that bedtime story."

Sharing the Bed with Zeno

Relationships.

'At last, the newly discovered films of Woody Alien.'

I asked my girlfriend if there was someone else...

"It's nothing, go back to sleep. I was just getting a DNA sample."

"I'm ready to go whenever you're through fussing with tablescapes."

"I've had you appraised."

"Oh darling! I just got your wonderful value added proposition! Of course I'll marry you!"

"Remember that lovely couple of scarlet macaws we met in Puerto Jiménez? They split up!"

"I don't love you anymore, Barry, but I still think you're a great American."

"She's got money and he's a 'poet'."

"I miss the way it was when I thought you knew everything."

"My wife and I handle our own finances. I'm an accountant and she's a grief counselor."

'And that, in a nutshell, is why men don't understand women.'

"I need a more interactive you."

"You can't let the tick birds continue to define you."

"With Harry all options are on the table, including pointlessly looking for a job that doesn't exist for him anymore."

'So, when did you first realise that you fancied me rotten?'

"Are you uncomfortable discussing this because I'm a man or because I'm your husband?"

"Don't even think about it."

"Will you sign a legally binding contract to get the state involved if you ever decide to leave me?"

"Mort, I'm writing a case study about two diametrically opposed archetypes of your generation. Archetype number one: a bold, debonaire male... The type that suffered no fools, lived life to the fullest, and pursued romance with tough, smart 'dames' who kept him on his toes. And then there's archetype number two: weak, insecure, afraid of life, and dominated by overbearing romantic partners who brought him to his knees. Ok. I'll participate. Who'd you find for archetype #2? You might want to

"According to the statistics in this article, you should be my ex-husband and be three months behind in alimony payments."