Reformed Raconteur Gifts

'He's still on a tether from his incarceration, but one day he hopes to go wireless.'

Ernie Studios. Hi, Ernie. What movies are you working on? We have a script about astronauts marooned on a planet filed with talking gorillas who are in hard economic times. I think I'll call it "The Apes of Wrath"! We're casting "Reignman." The central character is a savant monarch. And we're filming a movie about a suburban town populated by women with strange, long hair ... It's called "The Stepford Weaves."

"I can remember when a dollar was worth $47.32."

Non Thought For The Day.

"I wrote a poem, even though I'm on vacation."

"Well, Mr. Goddam Fancy-Pants Small-Town-Expose hot shot! What makes you think we don't all have lusty, kiss-and-tell memoirs boiling away inside us?"

"Yes, but you were the defender of the wrong faith."

'No Jake, I don't want to watch you do it again.'

Barman indicates sick bucket, alongside usual ice bucket, saying to attractive woman: 'That's there in case you hear any particularly bad chat-up lines.'

'Oh, just my old war injury acting up.'

'Here goes the second bottle of champagne... I think it would be fair of You to tell me what are my chances so I know whether to order another bottle or not...'

"I'll need a three iron."

"You bet I had it mounted, it gave me the best fight of my life."

"He assured me the merger is nothing to worry about."

And that, gentlemen, is my opinion for what it's worth.

There is no limit to the amount of nonsense that men can talk about football.

How Platypuses Are Born

"That's the man, Officer. That's Mr. Right!"

Social butterfly

How was your week on the lake? Twig fell in lo-love! Oh, tell me! Why did I say that? Now I'll never find out anything. Relax, momster. $20 and I can provide a full background report. Done! Boys are so communicative!

It Actually Happened 'My neighbour is always bragging about her Manx cat....

"You misinterpreted the news. I've simply had a terrific autumn."

'Even women talk about the one that got away'

'Dear Abby: I continually find myself asking for advice from complete strangers. Please help.'

Brenda always had Safe sex

"And this is where I met your mum."

Railroad Crossing. It's the last official weekend of the summer, Ernie. For me, summer has always been like a passing train. When I was a kid, both trains and summer went by at a leisurely pace. Ding! Ding! Ding! Now that I'm much older, summer is like a modern bullet train ... it's just a blur that seems to be gone in an instant!

'Down on the farm!'

"Oh, I'm not arguing. I'm just stating my opinion and ignoring everything you say."

'When did I first start rambling? Well, it's a long story...'

Businessman As A Weather Vane

"Whatever you do in there all day is fine with me, so long as it's not writing a memoir."

"My grant is somewhat restrictive. I have to work only with even numbers."

'Suspence, intrigue, deceit, vice...the annual report.'

'Well yes there was life before television but it didn't amount to much. . .'