Rambling Raconteur Gifts

'When did I first start rambling? Well, it's a long story...'

There is no limit to the amount of nonsense that men can talk about football.

Non Thought For The Day.

Ernie Studios. Hi, Ernie. What movies are you working on? We have a script about astronauts marooned on a planet filed with talking gorillas who are in hard economic times. I think I'll call it "The Apes of Wrath"! We're casting "Reignman." The central character is a savant monarch. And we're filming a movie about a suburban town populated by women with strange, long hair ... It's called "The Stepford Weaves."

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

'Oh no, it's the Burkes! You stall them here while I go fix my hair and don't let them roam around. Remember, once you have cockroaches in your kitchen, you'll never get rid of them.'

"I can remember when a dollar was worth $47.32."

"I wrote a poem, even though I'm on vacation."

"Yes, but you were the defender of the wrong faith."

"I do love you, but I love you as a crimefighter."

Barman indicates sick bucket, alongside usual ice bucket, saying to attractive woman: 'That's there in case you hear any particularly bad chat-up lines.'

'Oh, just my old war injury acting up.'

'Here goes the second bottle of champagne... I think it would be fair of You to tell me what are my chances so I know whether to order another bottle or not...'

"I'll need a three iron."

'How many husbands have I had? Do you mean excluding my own?'

"Hurry, hurry! When you get back, we'll finish rehashing 1924 and get right on to 1925!"

'With me and Dave it was definitely love at first sight. How about you two?'

Max Beerbohm

Social butterfly

"That's the man, Officer. That's Mr. Right!"

How was your week on the lake? Twig fell in lo-love! Oh, tell me! Why did I say that? Now I'll never find out anything. Relax, momster. $20 and I can provide a full background report. Done! Boys are so communicative!

Oscar Wilde

It Actually Happened 'My neighbour is always bragging about her Manx cat....

"Tell me again about those twelve mile hikes you were on in the military."

'Even women talk about the one that got away'

'So, do you fish for sport or do you actually catch something?'

"You misinterpreted the news. I've simply had a terrific autumn."

Brenda always had Safe sex

"And this is where I met your mum."

'Down on the farm!'

Railroad Crossing. It's the last official weekend of the summer, Ernie. For me, summer has always been like a passing train. When I was a kid, both trains and summer went by at a leisurely pace. Ding! Ding! Ding! Now that I'm much older, summer is like a modern bullet train ... it's just a blur that seems to be gone in an instant!

'I understand that the two of you had a rather successful collaboration on our new sex manual!'

'It's a cheeky little wine!'

"I'm the writer, executive producer, and star of my fibs."

Businessman As A Weather Vane