Quirky Raconteur Gifts

Max Beerbohm

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

"Yes, I'm from London. 'Which part?' you ask. Well all of me!"

"Did you sleep awkwardly again?"

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

'The hair specialist is down the hall.'

"Sorry lad, ye can't be having' me pot o' toilet paper."

Glance Exchange

"To be honest, I don't mind the cold, and being an introvert, and slightly antisocial, I really treasure the quiet time when the others have flown south..."

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

"It's just a tree."

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from restless dreams, transformed into a monstrous vermin, he thought to himself: never again bourbon and tequila in the same night, and this time, I mean it."

STRIP God' s dog urinating on planet Earth

Competitive Eating Competition Competitive Vomiting Competition,

"I want to be a more interesting person. Think maybe watching old black and white movies would do it?"

"How about a hand."

"Don't editorialize."

"Hello, my name is Karl and I'm addicted to speaking to small groups of strangers."

'This is a wind-up, isn't it?'

'We're doing a fly on the wall documentary.'

'You can't come in here with that.'

'How can he be depressed when all he eats are Happy Meals?'