Quirky Storyteller Gifts

"Your son's autism is still affecting his job, but we're learning to deal with some of his repetitive symptoms."

'Alternative operation procedure in accordance with my health insurance...' What exactly does that mean?

'Sorry, ran out. Soon as I opened the door, they all ran like hell.'

'I thought it was confetti too, until I saw Mom shaving Dad's back on the patio.'

Quasimodo once had a promising career with the ballet, until an ankle injury shattered his aspirations.

'...And then she turned in all my old love letters and they got me for mail fraud!'

'A man gets lonely out here... Coco helped me through the dark times!'

Mad author of conspiracy book in straitjacket.

Herb garden

"Hello, my name is Karl and I'm addicted to speaking to small groups of strangers."

"He once fell into the garbage disposal and doesn't like to talk about it."

'Excuse me officer. I'd like to report a U.F.O. sighting!'

'We're doing a fly on the wall documentary.'

Centaur falls in love.

'He said, but for you he wouldn't have stuck your credit card to the roof of his mouth in the first place...'

'Did you hear about the Ant and the Grasshopper? -- Some Japanese Beetle bought them both out.'

'You should have never bragged about taking the little tag off the mattress.'

Pets in Attorney's office - 'The iguana gets everything.'

Woman on desert island reads message she finds in a bottle: 'It's an ad for a diet club.'

'This court finds you guilty Mr. Jones. As your punishment, the bailiff here will slug you one.'

'Miss Wilson, get on the web and find me everything on bottles!'

Frankenstein makes Pinocchio

'This is the guy. Make it look like an accident.'

Fred wonders if he should have had that three week old pineapple ham the night before going hunting.

'Keep an eye out, Doris. I hear there are some mighty big alligators in this lake.'

'...and I see dozens, no, hundreds of dirty socks lying on the floor! And I see windowless cars filled with injured squirrels and blind cats, who take you to an oasis of bacon bits...'

'There's no talking to him when he's like this.'

The punishment of a 'SELF MILKER'!

"This little piggy went to market, this little piggy drove the getaway car..."

Edward P. Whitcomb: a grumbling, whiny mediocrity mistakenly born into the greatest generation.

"Give the kid a break, Jonathan! Don't you remember what it was like being a 66-year-old?"

"And these are my ancestors. . . Malcom. The mighty, Simon the Strong, Byron the Brave. . . And Fenwick the Flatulent . . . We don't talk about him much!"

"Actually I prefer contactless!"

"I've finally finished my lockdown novel."

"Did you sleep awkwardly again?"