Retro Raconteur Gifts

"I am boomer. . . Hear me whine!"

'Well yes there was life before television but it didn't amount to much. . .'

'Of course you're very dear to me - that meal just cost a fortune.'

'Oh no, it's the Burkes! You stall them here while I go fix my hair and don't let them roam around. Remember, once you have cockroaches in your kitchen, you'll never get rid of them.'

"I can remember when a dollar was worth $47.32."

Non Thought For The Day.

"I wrote a poem, even though I'm on vacation."

"Well, Mr. Goddam Fancy-Pants Small-Town-Expose hot shot! What makes you think we don't all have lusty, kiss-and-tell memoirs boiling away inside us?"

Road rage on a mobility scooter.

I'm a gangster rap fan too!

Barman indicates sick bucket, alongside usual ice bucket, saying to attractive woman: 'That's there in case you hear any particularly bad chat-up lines.'

'Oh, just my old war injury acting up.'

'Here goes the second bottle of champagne... I think it would be fair of You to tell me what are my chances so I know whether to order another bottle or not...'

"You bet I had it mounted, it gave me the best fight of my life."

"Hurry, hurry! When you get back, we'll finish rehashing 1924 and get right on to 1925!"

'He's still on a tether from his incarceration, but one day he hopes to go wireless.'

There is no limit to the amount of nonsense that men can talk about football.

How Platypuses Are Born

Social butterfly

How was your week on the lake? Twig fell in lo-love! Oh, tell me! Why did I say that? Now I'll never find out anything. Relax, momster. $20 and I can provide a full background report. Done! Boys are so communicative!

When I was your age, I had to walk five miles through snow to skip school.

"That's the man, Officer. That's Mr. Right!"

"But you got some good reviews too, yeah?"

"When I was a boy, I had to walk five miles through the snow to change the channel."

'Even women talk about the one that got away'

"You misinterpreted the news. I've simply had a terrific autumn."

Brenda always had Safe sex

"Aside from Domino’s, China Palace and Lupe’s Fiesta Garden, do you have any professional references?"

"And this is where I met your mum."

'When did I first start rambling? Well, it's a long story...'

"My grant is somewhat restrictive. I have to work only with even numbers."

"Whatever you do in there all day is fine with me, so long as it's not writing a memoir."

'Suspence, intrigue, deceit, vice...the annual report.'

"In the bad old days, Nigel used to spend much of his time drinking and 'picking up birds'. . ."

"You've just been copying things from my sex diary into your sex diary."