Retirement Raconteur Gifts

'Howdy, Millie, how's your incontinence?'

'Of course you're very dear to me - that meal just cost a fortune.'

'Oh no, it's the Burkes! You stall them here while I go fix my hair and don't let them roam around. Remember, once you have cockroaches in your kitchen, you'll never get rid of them.'

Every so often, Madeline gets carried away.

"I can remember when a dollar was worth $47.32."

'Oh, no! It's all in euros!'

"The boss says he can remember the day I first started...but nothing after that."

'No.... My cat doesn't like being given pills either...'

"I wrote a poem, even though I'm on vacation."

"Well, Mr. Goddam Fancy-Pants Small-Town-Expose hot shot! What makes you think we don't all have lusty, kiss-and-tell memoirs boiling away inside us?"

Road rage on a mobility scooter.

Telecommuting doesn't hold up well during team building trust exercises.

"I'll need a three iron."

"Hurry, hurry! When you get back, we'll finish rehashing 1924 and get right on to 1925!"

'Dang! The Hoopers have been force-feeding vitamins again.'

'My Goodness! All these years George and I never guessed you were a superhero.'

'Before you get carried away with celebrating, Stapleton, I'd like to remind you that my retirement doesn't go into effect until five o'clock...and I'm still your supervisor.'

How Platypuses Are Born

"Same thing every morning. Crack of Don at the crack of dawn."

Watercooler moments weren't quite the same since Norman started working from home.

'Walter just retired after 37 years at the shoe store.'

'Regrets? Not many, except for this list of individuals that I had the misfortune of hiring...'

'Case dismissed! -- I just reached retirement age!'

Every Night is Over 60's Night

"Whatever you do in there all day is fine with me, so long as it's not writing a memoir."

'Suspence, intrigue, deceit, vice...the annual report.'

"My grant is somewhat restrictive. I have to work only with even numbers."

"Leaving parties aren’t as much fun since they put up the retirement age!"

"I really didn't think dad's retirement fromthe family business would be like this!"

Retirement day

"He spends a lot of time in the garden since he retired."

"Unfortunately, our guest of honor can't be here tonight. I've just been told that he never actually existed, and is the product of a 1989 computer error. And isn't that just like Bert? Humble and self-effacing to the very end!"

"I'm in this dynamite twelve-step program that helps me not miss steps in my other twelve-step programs."

"He's making a retirement statement - he's burning all his DIY books."

'Walter just retired after 37 years at the shoe store.'