Report Raconteur Gifts

'Suspence, intrigue, deceit, vice...the annual report.'

'Of course you're very dear to me - that meal just cost a fortune.'

'Oh no, it's the Burkes! You stall them here while I go fix my hair and don't let them roam around. Remember, once you have cockroaches in your kitchen, you'll never get rid of them.'

"I can remember when a dollar was worth $47.32."

'Oh, no! It's all in euros!'

'No.... My cat doesn't like being given pills either...'

"I recommend number five if you have only $20 so that you can still leave a tip."

"I'm Todd, your waiter, and I'd like you to think our friendship is more than contextual."

I'm a gangster rap fan too!

'Are you blind ref?'

Dog orders the food 9 out of 10 dogs prefer.

"House red, sir?"

'Are these mushrooms or toadstools? And why are you holding a stomach pump?.'

"You bet I had it mounted, it gave me the best fight of my life."

Road Kill Cafe.

"Hurry, hurry! When you get back, we'll finish rehashing 1924 and get right on to 1925!"

"But you got some good reviews too, yeah?"

How Platypuses Are Born

"Sparkling, Still, or Gushing?"

'In a four-star restaurant, one's hat does not fall into the cassoulet de castenaudary. But if ones hat does fall into the cassoulet de castelnaudary, one does not put it back on one's head.'

'Hi, I'm Leo. How's the food here?'

"You misinterpreted the news. I've simply had a terrific autumn."

The world's oldest braided rug

Crime and punishment - football.

'We're out of pheasant under glass, M'sieur — is duck soup close enough?'

'Dear Abby: I continually find myself asking for advice from complete strangers. Please help.'

"Aside from Domino’s, China Palace and Lupe’s Fiesta Garden, do you have any professional references?"

"My grant is somewhat restrictive. I have to work only with even numbers."

'Ok, ok. We'll run through it one more time. The rabbit pops up, goes round the tree ..'

'I get a lot of chit-chat type email gossip and I love to spread it around with a cellphone!'