Ailment Raconteur Gifts

'No.... My cat doesn't like being given pills either...'

'Of course you're very dear to me - that meal just cost a fortune.'

'Oh no, it's the Burkes! You stall them here while I go fix my hair and don't let them roam around. Remember, once you have cockroaches in your kitchen, you'll never get rid of them.'

"I can remember when a dollar was worth $47.32."

"I wrote a poem, even though I'm on vacation."

I'm a gangster rap fan too!

Barman indicates sick bucket, alongside usual ice bucket, saying to attractive woman: 'That's there in case you hear any particularly bad chat-up lines.'

Crafty Fish.

'Here goes the second bottle of champagne... I think it would be fair of You to tell me what are my chances so I know whether to order another bottle or not...'

"I've been having hallucinations again, Doctor."

"You bet I had it mounted, it gave me the best fight of my life."

Dad said that if he's paying for the wedding, he's entitled to a little something.

"That's the man, Officer. That's Mr. Right!"

How Platypuses Are Born

Social butterfly

"But you got some good reviews too, yeah?"

Robot asking for money in bar code language.

'Even women talk about the one that got away'

'Dear Abby: I continually find myself asking for advice from complete strangers. Please help.'

Brenda always had Safe sex

"Aside from Domino’s, China Palace and Lupe’s Fiesta Garden, do you have any professional references?"

'Suspence, intrigue, deceit, vice...the annual report.'

"My grant is somewhat restrictive. I have to work only with even numbers."

"Whatever you do in there all day is fine with me, so long as it's not writing a memoir."

'Ok, ok. We'll run through it one more time. The rabbit pops up, goes round the tree ..'

"You've just been copying things from my sex diary into your sex diary."

'Well yes there was life before television but it didn't amount to much. . .'

'Howdy, Millie, how's your incontinence?'

'It's worse than the wrong side of the tracks - I was born on them!'

"Hey baby. Check out my mom. . ."

'I need the love of a good woman - see to it, Pendleton!'

"No, actually you're very different from the women I usually date."