Roach Raconteur Gifts

'Oh no, it's the Burkes! You stall them here while I go fix my hair and don't let them roam around. Remember, once you have cockroaches in your kitchen, you'll never get rid of them.'

'Of course you're very dear to me - that meal just cost a fortune.'

"I can remember when a dollar was worth $47.32."

'No.... My cat doesn't like being given pills either...'

Non Thought For The Day.

'No Jake, I don't want to watch you do it again.'

'..The wolves have got the sheep pinned against their own 1-yard line again!'

Barman indicates sick bucket, alongside usual ice bucket, saying to attractive woman: 'That's there in case you hear any particularly bad chat-up lines.'

I'm a gangster rap fan too!

'Here goes the second bottle of champagne... I think it would be fair of You to tell me what are my chances so I know whether to order another bottle or not...'

'As a young rat, I traveled the world as a stowaway on a merchant navy ship...'

"I'll need a three iron."

'Hello, Doc Barnes? I just got your bill. You've just bought yourself a cow.'

"You bet I had it mounted, it gave me the best fight of my life."

'I feel better today too, but around here I've learned not to be too optimistic.'

There is no limit to the amount of nonsense that men can talk about football.

How Platypuses Are Born

"But you got some good reviews too, yeah?"

"That's the man, Officer. That's Mr. Right!"

Social butterfly

The world's oldest braided rug

"Okay, now we just wait for the wind to pick up!"

Robot asking for money in bar code language.

"You misinterpreted the news. I've simply had a terrific autumn."

'Even women talk about the one that got away'

'I object, your Honor! How much wood would woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood is purely conjecture!'

Brenda always had Safe sex

Cat being guarded by security mice.

'It's a cheeky little wine!'

'When did I first start rambling? Well, it's a long story...'

"My grant is somewhat restrictive. I have to work only with even numbers."

'Suspence, intrigue, deceit, vice...the annual report.'

'Ok, ok. We'll run through it one more time. The rabbit pops up, goes round the tree ..'