Ranch Raconteur Gifts

'..The wolves have got the sheep pinned against their own 1-yard line again!'

'Hello, Doc Barnes? I just got your bill. You've just bought yourself a cow.'

'It's not easy being green on grass!'

'Oh, it's a long, long time...From here to November...'

'Oh no, it's the Burkes! You stall them here while I go fix my hair and don't let them roam around. Remember, once you have cockroaches in your kitchen, you'll never get rid of them.'

"...and she said 'MOO!'"

'I still want to be a cowboy.'

'Must really be a terrible headache you've got there, Doctor.'

Non Thought For The Day.

"I wrote a poem, even though I'm on vacation."

"I recommend number five if you have only $20 so that you can still leave a tip."

'At least they can't touch the village local' say two country gents. The pub now has a sign on the window saying 'This is now a smoke free pub, also no dogs or horsey types!'

'No Jake, I don't want to watch you do it again.'

Wow, I don't know why we don't sit down like this more often!

"I'm Todd, your waiter, and I'd like you to think our friendship is more than contextual."

'Leader shy and angler wise I can put up with - it's the darn insolence that bothers me.'

"House red, sir?"

'Are these mushrooms or toadstools? And why are you holding a stomach pump?.'

Dog orders the food 9 out of 10 dogs prefer.

"Okay, now we're too domesticated."

"I'll need a three iron."

Road Kill Cafe.

"You bet I had it mounted, it gave me the best fight of my life."

'Mom, I think it's time I graduated to a full size horse.'

Just another day at Helium Farm

'No, I own the cattle. He's the vet!'

There is no limit to the amount of nonsense that men can talk about football.

Making Things Pleasant.

'Farm News' readers want to know about my childhood? Rather normal really: Lived in a pigsty, ate swill every day...'

Now we wait for the show to begin!

"Sparkling, Still, or Gushing?"

Are substitutions permitted? If they were, don't you think I would have substituted another customer for you? Menu.

'According to your resume you're an experienced ranch hand...I knew I should have checked your references!'

'Life on the farm used to be so... innocent. What's happened to us?'

'In a four-star restaurant, one's hat does not fall into the cassoulet de castenaudary. But if ones hat does fall into the cassoulet de castelnaudary, one does not put it back on one's head.'