Raft Raconteur Gifts

'No Jake, I don't want to watch you do it again.'

Build a Raft

"She just takes things too seriously in our relationship."

'Oh no, it's the Burkes! You stall them here while I go fix my hair and don't let them roam around. Remember, once you have cockroaches in your kitchen, you'll never get rid of them.'

"I can remember when a dollar was worth $47.32."

Coffee Shop and Battery Charging Station

"I bet you can't name one person who makes a better lengua casserole than me!"

'..The wolves have got the sheep pinned against their own 1-yard line again!'

'Oh, really? I work for little softy.'

I'm a gangster rap fan too!

"Don't panic, she'll be back. We lock the washroom windows from the outside."

"I had half a date last weekend."

"At least you don't have a needy husband and an angry dog."

'Women, can't live with 'em, can't live without em.'

"You bet I had it mounted, it gave me the best fight of my life."

"I'd like to be the first to welcome you to our company. But, I've decided not to hire you."

'Hello, Doc Barnes? I just got your bill. You've just bought yourself a cow.'

"I'll need a three iron."

'I guess I shouldn't have expected too much. Martin was a floor model.'

'He's still on a tether from his incarceration, but one day he hopes to go wireless.'

How Platypuses Are Born

'Would you like to come over to my place and see a video of my first marriage?'

"It's a brovella about my life in the frat. But if it's longer than two hundred pages it becomes a brahvel."

"So when you said you were a bee keeper..."

The world's oldest braided rug

"Great, but how is he in bed?"

"Well, I suppose it'll have to do."

Robot asking for money in bar code language.

"You misinterpreted the news. I've simply had a terrific autumn."

"I can't remember if I didn't like his second book or his second wife."

Every wife's dream conversation.

Home, Bittersweet Home.

'There's a NAGGING blog?'

Fisherman

'Anyone can arrange a blind date, only truly great ones can arrange a whole relationship.'