Veteran Raconteur Gifts

'Oh, just my old war injury acting up.'

"Agamemnon and Clytemnestra have decided to separate amicably."

'It's not easy being green on grass!'

'Oh, it's a long, long time...From here to November...'

"The knights of the round accent table"

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

"I can remember when a dollar was worth $47.32."

"No, I don't want to live forever, but I damn sure don't want to be dead forever, either."

"...and she said 'MOO!'"

'Must really be a terrible headache you've got there, Doctor.'

Non Thought For The Day.

"Well, Mr. Goddam Fancy-Pants Small-Town-Expose hot shot! What makes you think we don't all have lusty, kiss-and-tell memoirs boiling away inside us?"

'At least they can't touch the village local' say two country gents. The pub now has a sign on the window saying 'This is now a smoke free pub, also no dogs or horsey types!'

Wow, I don't know why we don't sit down like this more often!

"Okay, now we're too domesticated."

'It's been five years since leaving Iraq and I'm still getting the sand out my ears.'

"Back in the day, this pub was full of young, long-haired radicals, hell-bent on changing the world."

'Not only do you need a good dish to win on this cooking show, you need a good story!'

There is no limit to the amount of nonsense that men can talk about football.

When I was your age, I had to walk five miles through snow to skip school.

'Farm News' readers want to know about my childhood? Rather normal really: Lived in a pigsty, ate swill every day...'

Now we wait for the show to begin!

And I got an honorary Purple Heart for sticking myself with one of my flag pins.

'Life on the farm used to be so... innocent. What's happened to us?'

"When I was a boy, I had to walk five miles through the snow to change the channel."

'So, do you fish for sport or do you actually catch something?'

It Actually Happened 'My neighbour is always bragging about her Manx cat....

"Tell me again about those twelve mile hikes you were on in the military."

'The night cows fell on Alabama.'

'Down on the farm!'

A Boy Visits The Rector To Ask For Some Soup.

'Whenever my parents threaten to discipline me, I say 'Okay, but that's the first thing I'm going to mention in my tell all book'. Works for me.'

'When did I first start rambling? Well, it's a long story...'

Businessman As A Weather Vane

"No one turned in a cow, pig or chicken Mr. McDonald."