Late-night Raconteur Gifts

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

"I don't care if it is itty-bitty. Turn it off!"

"It was a cheese and wine party but the mice got there first!"

'And you're telling me this, why?'

'It wouldn't hurt to say a few words.'

Non Thought For The Day.

"There's no way we can get him ow. He's completely under the covers."

'Don't be silly - the sun won't burn itself our for another 5 billion years. Bedsides, the Earth will have been smashed to smithereens by asteroids long before that.'

"I do love you, but I love you as a crimefighter."

"And the next thing I knew, I was kissing her, and two of her friends, I think one was a dude, then we all did Ecstasy, rented a limo, and went to Vegas—but I swear that's all that happened."

"Roll over. Your Zs are looking like Ns."

'Oh, just my old war injury acting up.'

"Papi, I heard something!"

"It's only insomnia if there's nothing good on."

David Letterman

'I think it's nice for kids to have wooden toys.'

"Back in the day, this pub was full of young, long-haired radicals, hell-bent on changing the world."

The End is Night

Man reading in lamp

'How many husbands have I had? Do you mean excluding my own?'

He's mumbling again! What do you think husbands dream about?

"If you don't want the light to keep shining in your eyes, stop asking me how much longer I'm going to read."

'Well, Dad, it's 2:00 AM and we've been messing with her all night...'

There is no limit to the amount of nonsense that men can talk about football.

Wife uses guillotine to trap husband sneaking in late at night.

Oh, come on. Don't think of this as 'going to bed.' Think of this as a short break between nighttime naughtiness and morning mayhem.

Max Beerbohm

"No dear - there are no malcontents at odds with society under your bed."

'Face it, 24 hour grocery stores were made for people like us.'

"Mother, you were right."

Overnight Programming

Oscar Wilde

'Once upon a time'...'I've hear it.'

It Actually Happened 'My neighbour is always bragging about her Manx cat....

'So, do you fish for sport or do you actually catch something?'