Late-night Raconteur Gifts

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

"I don't care if it is itty-bitty. Turn it off!"

"It was a cheese and wine party but the mice got there first!"

'And you're telling me this, why?'

'It wouldn't hurt to say a few words.'

"There's no way we can get him ow. He's completely under the covers."

Non Thought For The Day.

"I do love you, but I love you as a crimefighter."

"And the next thing I knew, I was kissing her, and two of her friends, I think one was a dude, then we all did Ecstasy, rented a limo, and went to Vegas—but I swear that's all that happened."

"Roll over. Your Zs are looking like Ns."

'Oh, just my old war injury acting up.'

"Papi, I heard something!"

"It's only insomnia if there's nothing good on."

'I think it's nice for kids to have wooden toys.'

"Back in the day, this pub was full of young, long-haired radicals, hell-bent on changing the world."

'How many husbands have I had? Do you mean excluding my own?'

Man reading in lamp

'Well, Dad, it's 2:00 AM and we've been messing with her all night...'

"If you don't want the light to keep shining in your eyes, stop asking me how much longer I'm going to read."

There is no limit to the amount of nonsense that men can talk about football.

"Mother, you were right."

Wife uses guillotine to trap husband sneaking in late at night.

"No dear - there are no malcontents at odds with society under your bed."

Overnight Programming

Max Beerbohm

'Face it, 24 hour grocery stores were made for people like us.'

Oh, come on. Don't think of this as 'going to bed.' Think of this as a short break between nighttime naughtiness and morning mayhem.

Oscar Wilde

'Once upon a time'...'I've hear it.'

"You misinterpreted the news. I've simply had a terrific autumn."

'So, do you fish for sport or do you actually catch something?'