Late-night Conversationalist Gifts

"Mother, you were right."

"Yes, I'm from London. 'Which part?' you ask. Well all of me!"

PSA Banter.

My belief is if you're old enough to take texts, counter-texts, and meta-texts in Western Philosophy, you should be old enough to drink.

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

"To be honest, I don't mind the cold, and being an introvert, and slightly antisocial, I really treasure the quiet time when the others have flown south..."

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

"It was a cheese and wine party but the mice got there first!"

Remember my mum? I took that photo a week before she died. There's one of me...that was a good haircut.

'That's the corkage fee you wanted to ask about, Jack, not the cleavage fee!'

"It's no good, Bertie—we must either find some other place to meet or break off the affair altogether."

My wife's been talking to the skin I shed for over an hour.

"No, I don't think you have 'multiple personality disorder'. In fact, I don't think you have a personality at all."

"I'd love to go out with you. Do I have to have time to change."

"And I never kiss in the first two seconds."

Shrewsbury - pronunciation

"I've been in the doghouse ever since I tried to get my mother-in-law hanged as a witch."

Kid to kid: 'I can't be wearing out my welcome. I didn't even step on it.'

'Take this stick-drive and open the file 'John's Emotional Baggage'. It'll save a lot of time.'

"I devote most of my time to defending the bastions of culture."

"The most obvious side-effect of having a chip implanted in my brain is a constant craving for onion dip."

"Want to score some flu shots.?"

"Roll over. Your Zs are looking like Ns."

'It's not so much you having a cockroach problem - it's more along the lines of us having a human problem.'

'I just like tequila for the worm.'

"I giggle when I laugh." "I pee when I sneeze."

People I've Met At Parties Whose Names I've Forgotten

You mixed your DNA with that of a carrot? I've created a giant loud-mouthed left-leaning vegetable. Some would say that's redundant. Very funny. It's worse that that. The carrot doesn't share just my politics … You smell beautiful, like ranch dressing on a spring day. I do like a tall vegetable.

"Sofia, right? You hung out in the back of Professor Dillof’s anatomy lectures."

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious day when you're ripe and not yet mealy?"

Student: 'Is the medical marijuana thing a grass-roots movement?'

'This month I'll be cooked & my bones ripped apart in a wishing contest.'

Hi, I work at the admissions office of the local university. If you could change the world in three days, what would you do?

'I wonder if you'd go out with me. I've always wanted to go to couples therapy.'

"Don't worry, I'm a doctor."