Late-night Conversationalist T-Shirts

"Mother, you were right."

"Yes, I'm from London. 'Which part?' you ask. Well all of me!"

PSA Banter.

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

"To be honest, I don't mind the cold, and being an introvert, and slightly antisocial, I really treasure the quiet time when the others have flown south..."

My belief is if you're old enough to take texts, counter-texts, and meta-texts in Western Philosophy, you should be old enough to drink.

"It was a cheese and wine party but the mice got there first!"

"It's no good, Bertie—we must either find some other place to meet or break off the affair altogether."

Remember my mum? I took that photo a week before she died. There's one of me...that was a good haircut.

'That's the corkage fee you wanted to ask about, Jack, not the cleavage fee!'

"No, I don't think you have 'multiple personality disorder'. In fact, I don't think you have a personality at all."

"And I never kiss in the first two seconds."

"I'd love to go out with you. Do I have to have time to change."

Shrewsbury - pronunciation

"I've been in the doghouse ever since I tried to get my mother-in-law hanged as a witch."

Kid to kid: 'I can't be wearing out my welcome. I didn't even step on it.'

'Take this stick-drive and open the file 'John's Emotional Baggage'. It'll save a lot of time.'

"The most obvious side-effect of having a chip implanted in my brain is a constant craving for onion dip."

"I devote most of my time to defending the bastions of culture."

"Want to score some flu shots.?"

"Roll over. Your Zs are looking like Ns."

'I just like tequila for the worm.'

'It's not so much you having a cockroach problem - it's more along the lines of us having a human problem.'

"I giggle when I laugh." "I pee when I sneeze."

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious day when you're ripe and not yet mealy?"

'This month I'll be cooked & my bones ripped apart in a wishing contest.'

"Sofia, right? You hung out in the back of Professor Dillof’s anatomy lectures."

"Hey, do you want to be in my bubble?"

'I wonder if you'd go out with me. I've always wanted to go to couples therapy.'

Hi, I work at the admissions office of the local university. If you could change the world in three days, what would you do?

Student: 'Is the medical marijuana thing a grass-roots movement?'

People I've Met At Parties Whose Names I've Forgotten

"Don't worry, I'm a doctor."