Ironic Conversationalist T-Shirts

'Of course my income didn't really take off until I left tele-marketing and got into insurance fraud.'

'A health report today warned skeptics, who take everything with a grain of salt, could result in abnormal hypertension. . .'

"What I don't, like, get is how she, like, figured out I was, like, having an affair with, like the babysitter."

"But that's me! 'The Impaler Guy'!"

"Don't worry mate... We've rung for an economist."

'Online dating is rubbish. I've written to 20 women and not ONE has replied.' 'At least you're being spurned in the comfort of your own home.'

"Yes, I'm from London. 'Which part?' you ask. Well all of me!"

PSA Banter.

"To be honest, I don't mind the cold, and being an introvert, and slightly antisocial, I really treasure the quiet time when the others have flown south..."

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

"Idea?" "No. Just a light bulb."

What price beauty?

"I love it when your eyes blaze like that; you remind me of Moses."

My wife's been talking to the skin I shed for over an hour.

"It's no good, Bertie—we must either find some other place to meet or break off the affair altogether."

"I'd love to go out with you. Do I have to have time to change."

Crow and fox

"No, I don't think you have 'multiple personality disorder'. In fact, I don't think you have a personality at all."

"Darling, do you ever worry that we're becoming some sort of Merchant-Ivory production?"

Shrewsbury - pronunciation

"And I never kiss in the first two seconds."

"I've been in the doghouse ever since I tried to get my mother-in-law hanged as a witch."

'Take this stick-drive and open the file 'John's Emotional Baggage'. It'll save a lot of time.'

"Are we ‘still working’? No, we’re still eating. You, however, are ‘still working’—now get lost!"

Jokes machine.

"The most obvious side-effect of having a chip implanted in my brain is a constant craving for onion dip."

"Do excuse me, I've got a nuttiness allergy."

LEMONADE, 'Actually, I hate places like this.'

'I understand you know how to treat a woman.'

"Why... are there so many people who never eat pork? Because we have some excellent PR people working on our behalf."

The Algonquin Round Table

"Want to score some flu shots.?"

'It's not so much you having a cockroach problem - it's more along the lines of us having a human problem.'

'I just like tequila for the worm.'

"Don't worry, I'm a doctor."