Late-night Humorist Gifts

Overnight Programming

"If the following programme doesn't turn you on, you may find it OFFENSIVE."

"It was a cheese and wine party but the mice got there first!"

'Boy! Those 911 operators sure get snooty when you call them at 4 a.m. and ask them to translate the words to Frere Jacques.'

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

"The Eggsorcist"

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

"Don't worry, Miss. I'll soon get the hang of it."

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"[UNABLE TO PROCESS THIS IMAGE]"

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

Daffodil bulbs

The mysterious ancient stone figures of Keister Island.

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

'Cycle shop' selling puncture repair kits next door to a 'Sex shop' selling inflatable dolls

"There will be a Q&A...but in this era of Trump I will be insulting anyone whose questions I don't like."

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

'The best gig I can get you for your comeback, Lazarus, is DJ in the graveyard slot.'

'May I recommend a dry white with the seafood dish.'

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"

"Roll over. Your Zs are looking like Ns."

"The tricky bit is finding some UK infrastructure that's working to switch it off."

"So, Owen tells me you guys met in art school."

Artist uses connect-the-dots canvas to paint nude model.

'He always said he wouldn't be seen dead with his shirt outside his trousers - he'll be livid.'