Late-night Humorist Gifts

Overnight Programming

"If the following programme doesn't turn you on, you may find it OFFENSIVE."

"It was a cheese and wine party but the mice got there first!"

'Boy! Those 911 operators sure get snooty when you call them at 4 a.m. and ask them to translate the words to Frere Jacques.'

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

"The Eggsorcist"

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"Don't worry, Miss. I'll soon get the hang of it."

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"[UNABLE TO PROCESS THIS IMAGE]"

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

Daffodil bulbs

The mysterious ancient stone figures of Keister Island.

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

Downside of a memory foam mattress.

'Cycle shop' selling puncture repair kits next door to a 'Sex shop' selling inflatable dolls

"There will be a Q&A...but in this era of Trump I will be insulting anyone whose questions I don't like."

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

'The best gig I can get you for your comeback, Lazarus, is DJ in the graveyard slot.'

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

'May I recommend a dry white with the seafood dish.'

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"

"Roll over. Your Zs are looking like Ns."

"Do you have anything that would make him seem like a self satisfied pig?"

"There's a programme about people watching TV on the other channel."

Paunch and Judy.