Nightlife Humorist Gifts

One for my baby.

'You really don't get this 'going clubbing' thing ... '

"Tight......this isn't tight...now a New York City apartment......that's tight."

"He could have been the national bird, but that was a long, long time ago."

"After the drugstore, I need you to find fresh parmesan."

Emergency Hipster Beard

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

A man sees Zeus throwing lightning bolts on the balcony of his apartment.

"Right now Arnold Schwarzenegger is doing sit-ups."

"It was a cheese and wine party but the mice got there first!"

"Jack Daniels-in-a-box"

"What other tricks does he need?"

"This is all we have available. It has an accordian front door, a shelf, a phone, and a spectacular view."

"There will be a Q&A...but in this era of Trump I will be insulting anyone whose questions I don't like."

'... So I said to Dave; 'You're not going to wear that baggy old thing are you?' But, he decided to come nude anyway.'

'May I recommend a dry white with the seafood dish.'

"Drinking improves my vodkabulary."

Gangsta wrap.

Hipster Police Department

"Give me something that shows I'm hip AND fiscally responsible."

"You know what they say: if you're tired of London, you're tired of organic soy latte and pop-up vegan yoga festivals..."

'Of all the fern bars in Encino, she's gotta walk into mine.'

Mo's USA Bar: Tips/Tariffs

"Do you have anything that would make him seem like a self satisfied pig?"

"I think you're beard needs a trim..."

'And the winner of the 'biggest loser in love' category is...'

"Mind if I read a little?"

"The house is great, but compared to reality show realtors, you're a big disappointment."

"Do you think those clams we ate were a little off?"

"... And that's an 18-pound piece of tofu I shot at Whole Foods."

If a motorist came bursting through the doors...would he be up for damages?

'I'd like to get in touch with my feminine side, Joe -- bring me a Bloody Mary.'

"Charley horse! Charley horse! Charley horse! Charleee!!"

"Would you please sip your drink and not swill it!"