Late-night Chatter Gifts

'Hello. You've reached the twenty-four hour toll-free hotline.'

"It seems my fear of death has been replaced by my fear of politics."

'You must be Jim's new gardener. I'm his neighbour, Gerald. Had any luck with the Petunias this year? Aren't those Jim's feet sticking out of the ornamental pond?'

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

My belief is if you're old enough to take texts, counter-texts, and meta-texts in Western Philosophy, you should be old enough to drink.

'It's midnight, do you know where your brain is?'

'John, I have to get going. Here's my views on politics, sports, and automobiles in case some of the boys come in later.'

Night-shift entrance

'So, ten thousand pounds could be yours if you call in and answer this question...Why the hell aren't you in bed?!'

"I suppose you're wondering why I've summoned you here at 3 AM, minion." "I try not to wonder." "After crunching the numbers, I've determined we'd increase profits by being open 24/7." "We're in the suburbs. Everyone's asleep." "Not true. By being closed at 3 AM, we're missing out on the potentially-lucrative Igor the Wino clientele." "Go to the alley and give Igor a 1-for-the-price-of-2 coupon." "Very bad man."

One giant bark for dogkind.

"Of all my husbands I believe the first one tasted the best."

'Dog got your clog?'

Death chatting in a pub - "The scythe?...Oh that went years ago. I've got a brand new combine harvester in the car park!"

What are you doing up, mom? Big meeting tomorrow. Must be prepared. It's one a.m.! Go to bed, young lady. You need your sleep. It must be late. I heard my voice coming out of your mouth. Scary!

'A packet o' crisps, and have one for yersel'.'

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

"This is a 'warts and all' biography with some really great warts."

'I know these safety meetings tend to run very late, however... '

'Tell the doctor that I'm too sick to see him.'

"Want to come over Sunday, watch the game, and help me start dreading Monday?"

'You're not calling the Help Desk again, are you?'

'Now his mother's gone, she's nowhere to slink off to and watch tripe on t'telly!

"Wake up, baby. I just realized how my insomnia is all your fault."

"Mother, you were right."

'I'm having trouble with drinking. . . I'm getting Arthritis in my elbow.'

'Sometimes late at night I'm not sure the leading economic indicators know where they're going,'

"Omigod, you have such a cute smile!"

'It depends on whether you see yourself as yesterday's man, today's man, or tomorrow's man.'

MAN OF THE YEAR, 'You must come here a lot.'

'No, I don't like them, their shirts make me look fat.'

'This looks like a really hot piece of gossip, Edna!'

'The pharmacy didn't have any sleep masks, but they had a sale on duct tape.'

'I've never been superstitious...touch wood'

"Wine improves with age."