Late-night Chatter Gifts

'Hello. You've reached the twenty-four hour toll-free hotline.'

"It seems my fear of death has been replaced by my fear of politics."

'You must be Jim's new gardener. I'm his neighbour, Gerald. Had any luck with the Petunias this year? Aren't those Jim's feet sticking out of the ornamental pond?'

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

'It's midnight, do you know where your brain is?'

My belief is if you're old enough to take texts, counter-texts, and meta-texts in Western Philosophy, you should be old enough to drink.

'John, I have to get going. Here's my views on politics, sports, and automobiles in case some of the boys come in later.'

Night-shift entrance

"I suppose you're wondering why I've summoned you here at 3 AM, minion." "I try not to wonder." "After crunching the numbers, I've determined we'd increase profits by being open 24/7." "We're in the suburbs. Everyone's asleep." "Not true. By being closed at 3 AM, we're missing out on the potentially-lucrative Igor the Wino clientele." "Go to the alley and give Igor a 1-for-the-price-of-2 coupon." "Very bad man."

'So, ten thousand pounds could be yours if you call in and answer this question...Why the hell aren't you in bed?!'

'Dog got your clog?'

"Of all my husbands I believe the first one tasted the best."

One giant bark for dogkind.

Death chatting in a pub - "The scythe?...Oh that went years ago. I've got a brand new combine harvester in the car park!"

'A packet o' crisps, and have one for yersel'.'

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

'I know these safety meetings tend to run very late, however... '

"This is a 'warts and all' biography with some really great warts."

"Want to come over Sunday, watch the game, and help me start dreading Monday?"

'Tell the doctor that I'm too sick to see him.'

"Wake up, baby. I just realized how my insomnia is all your fault."

'Now his mother's gone, she's nowhere to slink off to and watch tripe on t'telly!

'You're not calling the Help Desk again, are you?'

"Mother, you were right."

'I'm having trouble with drinking. . . I'm getting Arthritis in my elbow.'

'Sometimes late at night I'm not sure the leading economic indicators know where they're going,'

"Omigod, you have such a cute smile!"

MAN OF THE YEAR, 'You must come here a lot.'

'It depends on whether you see yourself as yesterday's man, today's man, or tomorrow's man.'

'No, I don't like them, their shirts make me look fat.'

'This looks like a really hot piece of gossip, Edna!'

'The pharmacy didn't have any sleep masks, but they had a sale on duct tape.'

'I've never been superstitious...touch wood'

"After so many years of marriage what are you getting for your anniversary?"

"My insomnia is getting worse, doctor - I can't even sleep now when there is a party political programme on television."