Late-night Debater Gifts

My belief is if you're old enough to take texts, counter-texts, and meta-texts in Western Philosophy, you should be old enough to drink.

Enhanced Pedophilia Interrogation Techniques

'Do you think that's wise?'

'The way I see it, sobriety is a preventable, condition.'

"You owe me five bucks."

'Think how all that chatting is affecting global warming.'

'It's midnight, do you know where your brain is?'

'When you asked me over for a home-cooked meal, I assumed you'd be making it.'

'I know it's controversial, but my calculations prove beyond doubt that a nod is BETTER than a wink.'

'John, I have to get going. Here's my views on politics, sports, and automobiles in case some of the boys come in later.'

"Let me get this, but keep in mind that you'll pay for it in other, more subtle ways later on."

'I'm terribly worried, Doctor - he doesn't talk back to Bill O'Reilly any more.'

The Shakespeares Dine Out.

"In this one, references to everything have been deleted."

"I have to admit Dick Cheney makes a strong argument for torture. But I still think torturing him would be wrong."

'So, ten thousand pounds could be yours if you call in and answer this question...Why the hell aren't you in bed?!'

"I suppose you're wondering why I've summoned you here at 3 AM, minion." "I try not to wonder." "After crunching the numbers, I've determined we'd increase profits by being open 24/7." "We're in the suburbs. Everyone's asleep." "Not true. By being closed at 3 AM, we're missing out on the potentially-lucrative Igor the Wino clientele." "Go to the alley and give Igor a 1-for-the-price-of-2 coupon." "Very bad man."

God Bless America, God Help Syria

"Jersey Tomatoes" vs. "Jersey toMAHtoes"

'Nobody goes there anymore.' 'Because it's too crowded.'

'Day is day and night is night. That's the opinion of the management of this station. Here with a rebuttal, is attorney...'

Cat holds sign that says 'come over here', dog holds a sign that says 'how?'

'I've spent a fortune wining and dining you today Julie and now you tell me you love Picasso!'

Are You a True American Patriot?

'And just how much is silver going for a troy ounce these days?'

'Did you ever wonder why iced coffee is goof but cold coffee isn't? . . . You're not curious like I am.'

Prisoner speech

'I'll be late for dinner - a shelf fell on me.'

"You ordered mammoth again?"

TV SALES, 'Will the violence chip block out Bill O'Reilly'

What are you doing up, mom? Big meeting tomorrow. Must be prepared. It's one a.m.! Go to bed, young lady. You need your sleep. It must be late. I heard my voice coming out of your mouth. Scary!

"The social conservative in me tells me to pay for dinner, but the fiscal conservative thinks we should split it."

'I wouldn't say you're boring, Chuck, but you're the only person I know who records The Weather Channel.'

'I hate them too. Listen, would you like to go out sometime? Dinner maybe? We could complain about the service.'

'I know these safety meetings tend to run very late, however... '