Wild Night Raconteur Gifts

"And the next thing I knew, I was kissing her, and two of her friends, I think one was a dude, then we all did Ecstasy, rented a limo, and went to Vegas—but I swear that's all that happened."

'Oh, it's a long, long time...From here to November...'

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

'And you're telling me this, why?'

"...and she said 'MOO!'"

'Must really be a terrible headache you've got there, Doctor.'

'It wouldn't hurt to say a few words.'

Non Thought For The Day.

"There's no way we can get him ow. He's completely under the covers."

'Don't be silly - the sun won't burn itself our for another 5 billion years. Bedsides, the Earth will have been smashed to smithereens by asteroids long before that.'

'At least they can't touch the village local' say two country gents. The pub now has a sign on the window saying 'This is now a smoke free pub, also no dogs or horsey types!'

Wow, I don't know why we don't sit down like this more often!

Barman indicates sick bucket, alongside usual ice bucket, saying to attractive woman: 'That's there in case you hear any particularly bad chat-up lines.'

'Oh, just my old war injury acting up.'

"Okay, now we're too domesticated."

'Here goes the second bottle of champagne... I think it would be fair of You to tell me what are my chances so I know whether to order another bottle or not...'

"Papi, I heard something!"

"I'll need a three iron."

The End is Night

He's mumbling again! What do you think husbands dream about?

There is no limit to the amount of nonsense that men can talk about football.

"That's the man, Officer. That's Mr. Right!"

Social butterfly

'Farm News' readers want to know about my childhood? Rather normal really: Lived in a pigsty, ate swill every day...'

Now we wait for the show to begin!

How was your week on the lake? Twig fell in lo-love! Oh, tell me! Why did I say that? Now I'll never find out anything. Relax, momster. $20 and I can provide a full background report. Done! Boys are so communicative!

Max Beerbohm

'With me and Dave it was definitely love at first sight. How about you two?'

'Life on the farm used to be so... innocent. What's happened to us?'

Oh, come on. Don't think of this as 'going to bed.' Think of this as a short break between nighttime naughtiness and morning mayhem.

"No dear - there are no malcontents at odds with society under your bed."

'Once upon a time'...'I've hear it.'

'Even women talk about the one that got away'

It Actually Happened 'My neighbour is always bragging about her Manx cat....

'So, do you fish for sport or do you actually catch something?'