Rustic Raconteur Gifts

Businessman As A Weather Vane

'Talk about a spread. I bet his will go 38 inches.'

'Down on the farm!'

'Of course you're very dear to me - that meal just cost a fortune.'

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

-Sorry about yesterday, I was ill! -You didn't look ill when I saw you at the races! -You didn't see me after the fifth leg!

"I can remember when a dollar was worth $47.32."

Non Thought For The Day.

"Take my hand, my love, and come with me to the cabin, where we can explore each other's naked bodies for ticks."

Barman indicates sick bucket, alongside usual ice bucket, saying to attractive woman: 'That's there in case you hear any particularly bad chat-up lines.'

'Oh, just my old war injury acting up.'

'Here goes the second bottle of champagne... I think it would be fair of You to tell me what are my chances so I know whether to order another bottle or not...'

There is no limit to the amount of nonsense that men can talk about football.

"That's the man, Officer. That's Mr. Right!"

'With me and Dave it was definitely love at first sight. How about you two?'

'Life on the farm used to be so... innocent. What's happened to us?'

Max Beerbohm

Social butterfly

How was your week on the lake? Twig fell in lo-love! Oh, tell me! Why did I say that? Now I'll never find out anything. Relax, momster. $20 and I can provide a full background report. Done! Boys are so communicative!

"Tell me again about those twelve mile hikes you were on in the military."

The world's oldest braided rug

'Even women talk about the one that got away'

'So, do you fish for sport or do you actually catch something?'

It Actually Happened 'My neighbour is always bragging about her Manx cat....

"You misinterpreted the news. I've simply had a terrific autumn."

Brenda always had Safe sex

"And this is where I met your mum."

Rust in Piece - Second Hand Car Salesman.

'I understand that the two of you had a rather successful collaboration on our new sex manual!'

Railroad Crossing. It's the last official weekend of the summer, Ernie. For me, summer has always been like a passing train. When I was a kid, both trains and summer went by at a leisurely pace. Ding! Ding! Ding! Now that I'm much older, summer is like a modern bullet train ... it's just a blur that seems to be gone in an instant!

'When did I first start rambling? Well, it's a long story...'

'Ok, ok. We'll run through it one more time. The rabbit pops up, goes round the tree ..'

"How nice to be misunderstood in more than one language!"

"In the bad old days, Nigel used to spend much of his time drinking and 'picking up birds'. . ."

"You've just been copying things from my sex diary into your sex diary."